Full of empty

Scenario: on holiday with my aunt, uncle, cousin, and two second cousins in Northumbria (Bambrugh). I've had an absolutely fantastic few days with them, mostly looking after the boys - I am here as unofficial babysitter - but also just getting away from life in general. The only constant reminder are the pills I'm taking…

Advertisements

Alas, history repeats itself

Last night I was shown both sides of humanity.  If you know York, you'll know Millenium Bridge (the one with the pretty lights). If you were walking on it and passed someone sat on the railings what would you do? A) tell them they can jump, B) ignore them, or C) be the one person…

I don’t know

.... and someone's found my blog again. Please, I need this to be me. If you recognise who this is from reading then you most definitely understand why. Please let me have this. I need it. Ok. How I'm feeling at the minute is very strange and I feel like I need to write about…

I Sometimes Feel

I sometimes feel completely alone in this world. No matter what people say, what they've been through, I feel like they can't possibly know how I feel, that they can't really start to comprehend. Stupid, I know. Of course people understand. They understand how they feel, how they've felt. But for someone to understand exactly…

Got. To. Keep. Going.

WARNING: There are parts of this post that could potentially trigger. Please read with caution. That is just how life is at the minute. Got to keep going. With the full stops. Those four words are so so hard to think about right now, let alone act upon.  I'll start from what I think is…

More

I'm going to be writing a lot at the minute and these posts aren't exactly going to be eloquent or very good, I just need venting. Managed to drag myself to my first university band rehearsal yesterday, and could only manage half of it before I felt like crying or hiding. Leading to me leaving…

Spiral. Spiral. Spiral.

Guess what. I'm plummeting again. Really, really plummeting. Yesterday I was taken to A&E by some lovely police officers and put into the hands of the crisis team.  I'm at the end of my tether, I know I am. I'm going to go to my GP again and make them listen and believe me, I…

This is what this blog is for

I started this blog because I had nowhere else to turn. Nobody wanted to know, I felt alone, and when I did turn to people who were supposed to help it got thrown back in my face in the worst possible way. I was restricted, banned, and generally prejudiced against because I'd opened up and…

I either want to drink…¬†

... or hang myself. This is the first time I haven't turned to my blog first, before anything else. I've called Samaritans seven times now, I can't call anymore.  I don't want to call my team because a) they'll be asleep, b) if there's a proper callout they'd be needed, and c) the one I'd…

Waves

First thing first: no longer suicidal. I've gotten past that again. Still in a depressive state, but I'm being looked after. Life happens in waves, it really does. Even for someone with no physical or mental health conditions, you have perfectly normal days and then the days you can't see yourself making the next morning…