I refuse to break

Ok, so my fight is back. Randomly. No reason why. Hey fight, nice to have you back... I can't break. I have too much to do. I have my patients, I have the education stuff to do for the boat, I have to join a gym again, I have life to LIVE. I can't break.…

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Fading, fading… fading…

Still full of lead. Still have no life. Still no one to turn to. Which is my fault really, I just hound people no matter what they say. I can't quite believe how quickly I've dropped today. I woke up bad and am lying here worse, which always surprises me; I always think I've hit…

I didn’t want to go home

A very common feeling, not wanting to go home. Sometimes I'm just too tired to want to bother, sometimes it's too cold to want to go outside, sometimes it means driving, sometimes it means having to do house jobs that I've put off and put off... Last night was the most common though. I'd called…

I have no life left

I’m like a battery that has run completely flat.  I have no energy, no willpower, no fight to find something to do.  I’m still turning into a different person at work. She’s absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with her.  But when I leave, I come back out. My shoulders feel heavy, my head hangs, I stare…

I have no life left

I’m like a battery that has run completely flat.  I have no energy, no willpower, no fight to find something to do.  I’m still turning into a different person at work. She’s absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with her.  But when I leave, I come back out. My shoulders feel heavy, my head hangs, I stare…

I have no life left

I’m like a battery that has run completely flat.  I have no energy, no willpower, no fight to find something to do.  I’m still turning into a different person at work. She’s absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with her.  But when I leave, I come back out. My shoulders feel heavy, my head hangs, I stare…

Left Out

The boat team are training and I’m sat here doing a live in care shift.  I feel like I’m in several pieces.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m not bitter about the decision they had to make to put me non-ops again, honestly I’m not. Had another diagnosis that means I wouldn’t be able to do…

Suffering in Silence 

‘I’m sorry I’m in a state where I just really want a hug and nobody’s answering, sorry’ ^a text I just wrote out to someone. There are many things wrong with it. For a start, I’m apologising for wanting to feel some human affection. Nobody should ever feel they have to apologise for wanting basic…

‘Oasis of calm’

That’s how I was described this morning, an oasis of calm. I nearly snorted in their face.  Still a double life; still making plans; still talking to people. Still safe. Kind of.  Got a bit close last night, a bit too close. I’d picked when where and how. My morning patient stopped that temporarily by…

Double Life

I had thoughts today at work.  I am two people. Two very different people. There is the me on this blog; the honest me throughout the good and bad, the me who says exactly what is bothering/worrying/concerning her. She relaxes when writing because there’s no lie. There is me that everyone sees; the bright, bubbly…