More

I'm going to be writing a lot at the minute and these posts aren't exactly going to be eloquent or very good, I just need venting. Managed to drag myself to my first university band rehearsal yesterday, and could only manage half of it before I felt like crying or hiding. Leading to me leaving…

Spiral. Spiral. Spiral.

Guess what. I'm plummeting again. Really, really plummeting. Yesterday I was taken to A&E by some lovely police officers and put into the hands of the crisis team.  I'm at the end of my tether, I know I am. I'm going to go to my GP again and make them listen and believe me, I…

This is what this blog is for

I started this blog because I had nowhere else to turn. Nobody wanted to know, I felt alone, and when I did turn to people who were supposed to help it got thrown back in my face in the worst possible way. I was restricted, banned, and generally prejudiced against because I'd opened up and…

I either want to drink… 

... or hang myself. This is the first time I haven't turned to my blog first, before anything else. I've called Samaritans seven times now, I can't call anymore.  I don't want to call my team because a) they'll be asleep, b) if there's a proper callout they'd be needed, and c) the one I'd…

Waves

First thing first: no longer suicidal. I've gotten past that again. Still in a depressive state, but I'm being looked after. Life happens in waves, it really does. Even for someone with no physical or mental health conditions, you have perfectly normal days and then the days you can't see yourself making the next morning…

I’m suicidal

I've been lying to myself for a little while I think. There is no hiding though; I'm suicidal. Not just wanting to not live, actively wanting to stop myself from breathing.  I have not energy. I have no motivation. I have no willingness. I have no care. I have no want. I have no tears.…

Sometimes

Sometimes we need to be told that it's ok to not be yourself. It's ok to not be able to smile, to not be able to hold up a persona and to not be able to hide everything away, whether it's a physical or emotional difference. Sometimes we need a hug. Just someone there, not…

They’re not a team, we’re a family

I've had a crap week. Sums it up pretty well that.  Woke up last Monday and depression just hit me like two tonnes of masonry. It was just black, my guard came crumbling down. I have lost contact with support systems so yeah, the situation hasn't been great.  That was until Wednesday; Monday, Tuesday, and…

Ah Costa

Yeah, I'm sat drinking hot chocolate (drink of the Heavens). I like hot chocolate, many a day I've consumed nothing but. It's so nice... I'm sat in a coffee shop on my own, slightly hurried because they close at 1900 and I don't want to be that annoying customer who stays right up until closing.…