So I don’t have emotions. Not the positive ones anyway. My counsellor said that I feel what I know to be happiness, excitement, pride, love… but then asked me how long these things last before they’re interrupted.
Anyway. Here we go. More counselling to teach me how to have emotions and then… well, see how it goes I guess. Who knows, could be fun.
I didn’t start this post to talk about that, I’ll just get on with it. I started this because YET AGAIN I am just feeling completely fobbed off by people. Not the good people, the ones who are idjits.
The ones who say they’ll always be there but when it comes to it, don’t.
The ones who are just ‘useless at replying’ yet are never off their phone.
The ones who repeat this every single time, and every single time I stupidly believe them.
I know it will happen. I know the cycle will repeat itself, but every time I get a reply I let myself believe that it’s different this time. That maybe, just maybe, I am now worth something.
It’s the same outcome every time.
And I let myself fall into it. Every. Damn. Time.
So why do I do it? Why do I try and talk to the people who don’t give a damn about me? Why don’t I message the ones who I know will be there, the ones who are just so lovely and will always have the time?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe because that is exactly it; no matter what, they will answer. Maybe I need that validation that there are others who care, that I mean something to someone else. I’m not even messaging because things are bad. Just as a friend.
I’m really struggling to write this post. I brought this upon myself, I have no right to be moaning about it. But it has the better of me, it’s beating me down.
I’m worth little to some. Nothing to them. Nothing to me.