I don’t want to admit this. I really, REALLY don’t want to admit this.
But what is this blog for; the hard stuff. Here goes.
Yesterday my best friend of 8 years was told she achieved a first in her degree. I. Am. SO. Proud of her. Seriously, she’s worked so hard and been so stressed, I’m so pleased that it’s paid off and she can now search for a job happily without results hanging over her.
So what’s wrong?
I got a 2:1. An upper second degree.
I know what you’re thinking, I’m being a jealous brat. Maybe a small part of me is, but that isn’t it. What it is… I worked just as hard, got just as and more stressed, out my life on the line and only achieved a second class degree.
I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t do it. I feel so happy when I think of her getting her first, but at the same time my stomach is twisting itself and I feel sick; I wasn’t good enough. I’ll see her on Friday and I’ll constantly be reminded that I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I didn’t work as hard. Maybe I didn’t get as stressed. Maybe I’m just less intelligent, maybe my head isn’t up to it, maybe my heart wasn’t up to it.
I just wasn’t up to it. I couldn’t do it. In my mind I failed.
I’m so pleased for her, and simultaneously so distraught and destroyed. That’s not right. I need to be only happy for her but I can’t.
… what kind of friend am I?