If only someone could see

If I could stop being on such a rollercoaster, that would be great. I don't know how many times I've written/said/thought this. It's as true every time. These are the hardest times for me; I'm superficially happy then superficially down or vice Verza, but each one feels real. I can remember what they feel like…

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Let’s talk about…

... impulsive thoughts. The worst kind of thoughts. The ones that attacked my head on Saturday. Yes, they felt awful. Yes, they were horrific. But they were impulsive and fleeting. Half an hour and they were pretty much gone. I say gone, they were chased out by me having an asthma attack, nearly falling unconscious,…

Who is there

Nobody answers. I've called the helplines, nobody is free. Nobody answers, like so many times before. Nobody is answering, nobody is helping, NOBODY IS THERE I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. I can't be on my own. Three people just walked past somebody crying next to a river, what is humanity. * What has happened. I…

I feel fake

Today hasn't been a very good day. I've been struggling a bit physically recently, with breathing and blood pressure/arrhythmia (less often that last one but when it hits IT HITS). Anyway, doctor's today to test my lung capacity because I was a bit concerned that it was getting worse, so a 45 minute appointment was…

Down we go

Ok, I'm really struggling. Really really struggling. Walking into university today I just got hit by a very dense cloud which seems to have sapped everything from me. I'm lethargic, I'm flat, my face has gone to 'depression mode' which is when all of my facial muscles just cease to work when I'm not having…

I’m… winning?

I really don't know. Anyway. Life. Life is still going. I was at a training weekend for mountain rescue a few days ago, and it was FANTASTIC... until two other trainee idjits held the stretcher incorrectly which led to me doing my back in and becoming an incident... oh well, it was fun. I'm still…

I need to write.

Never a good sign feeling the urge to write. Just means that I'm struggling along a little. My life is still going well. Studying is still fantastic, still great people, still enjoying. When I'm at work I'm enjoying it. I feel lost though, and starting to feel empty. Probably doesn't help that my prescription was…