Sending a message saying ‘I’m sorry, I’m just scared’ to someone is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 

It signifies so much to me. Finding myself sending that means that I’m slipping; I’m failing; I’m giving up when I don’t want to. 

My mind is falling back down my spiral into depression and all that comes with. Driving between patients today was horrible, I kept wanting to steer into lorries coming the other way. I locked myself in my room the minute I got home just to try and keep myself safe. I’ve sent a message to one of my rocks saying what’s happening and that I’m scared. 

The crux of this: for some reason I’ve sunk back, my zest and will for life has gone. I’ve failed again, fell into a false safety of a few good weeks. All it (most likely) took was one person being an insensitive moron. 

I’m not strong enough. 
I want to write more but I can’t, my mind won’t let me. Sorry for not making much sense. 

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2 thoughts on “The hardest words to say

  1. Failures don’t send messages like that, they give in. Failures don’t lock themselves in their room for their own safety, they don’t keep driving. You aren’t a failure. What you listed in that post are multiple examples of strength in a time where the world had taken all you had. Some part of you kept going, some part of you resisted. And that part of you, to win against the kind of thoughts and feelings it had to fight against… that part of you is strong. You kept going, and that’s incredible. I don’t read these words as words of a failure, I read these words as the thoughts of someone who has no idea how impressively they have handled this situation.

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