Suffering in Silence 

‘I’m sorry I’m in a state where I just really want a hug and nobody’s answering, sorry’ ^a text I just wrote out to someone. There are many things wrong with it. For a start, I’m apologising for wanting to feel some human affection. Nobody should ever feel they have to apologise for wanting basic…

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‘Oasis of calm’

That’s how I was described this morning, an oasis of calm. I nearly snorted in their face.  Still a double life; still making plans; still talking to people. Still safe. Kind of.  Got a bit close last night, a bit too close. I’d picked when where and how. My morning patient stopped that temporarily by…

Double Life

I had thoughts today at work.  I am two people. Two very different people. There is the me on this blog; the honest me throughout the good and bad, the me who says exactly what is bothering/worrying/concerning her. She relaxes when writing because there’s no lie. There is me that everyone sees; the bright, bubbly…

The hardest words to say

Sending a message saying 'I'm sorry, I'm just scared' to someone is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  It signifies so much to me. Finding myself sending that means that I'm slipping; I'm failing; I'm giving up when I don't want to.  My mind is falling back down my spiral into depression and…

Fighting through

So. I've had a bit of a **** week. To start with, major exercise on the Ouse. It made the news, it was huge and everyone loved it. I wasn't there because of a wrong conclusion. Joy. But hey. I fell apart for approximately 15 hours. Then I pulled myself back up and I've done…

Don’t prove them right

What happens to things that go up?  They go down. Right now I should be starting a major incident exercise with the boat. I'm in bed instead.  Why am I in bed?  Because of who I am. Feels like that anyway. I know it isn't, but it feels like it.  I got a phone call…