I’ve just come back from essentially two weeks of holiday; first with family in Bambrugh, then with my best friend of multiple years in Holland. 

Holland holiday led to a first for me. We had a bit of a sandwich holiday, two days in Amsterdam, 4 at Castlefest, another 2 back in Amsterdam. At the festival (which was AMAZING I cannot justify it here) I had an evening where we were at the Village stage and I was starting to struggle with my head a bit. I didn’t feel like I was there and I either wanted to run or cry. I texted my friend that I had to go back to the tent and she kindly came with me, asking what was wrong and suggesting the usual (heart, tiredness, migraine). I initially went with tiredness but then it felt like something possessed me and I found myself saying ‘No, it is my head. My mind is going a bit loopy.’

I. Have. Never. Ever. Used. It. As. An. Open. Reason.

It’s always been a headache, or tired. For some reason the stronger me went ‘Don’t you dare, tell her what it is’ and so I did. Her reaction was a little surprised because it was so out of character for me to say but she didn’t huff or complain, just took my arm and started chatting about what we’d do back at the tent. 

It’s not a victory as such, but it’s made me feel more… powerful. I don’t have to make excuses for my head, I don’t have to pretend that everything is ok. I can tell people and say what is really wrong. Even in the two days since I’ve been home, I’ve felt like I can be more open about it even telling my mother half an hour ago that I’d cried something out (I messed up by forgetting something, more on that later). 

Ok, for me it is a victory. One – nil. Ha.

So the messing up. The last meeting I had with Boat management set some rules down and I forgot that one of those rules was to minimise the time on ALL activities so I’ve been taken off an event on Saturday because I didn’t say I’d only be doing a few hours. A tiny thing, but it’s annoyed me. A lot. Things have been going so well this past week and a small slip of my mind is threatening to send me back down a bit. Not so much missing the event, although that does hurt, but that it’s my fault.

I forgot, I didn’t specify, my fault. 

Hence crying. 

But hey, got to move on. Got to go through everything else I’m down for and specify times so it doesn’t happen again. We’ll be having another meeting soon anyway because this morning my doctor gave me approval to return to operational status (slowly, which I’m agreeing with). As soon as the letter is delivered to them hopefully I can slowly get back to what I love doing. 

I just need to stop messing up and forgetting things because I cannot compromise this, not now my doctor has approved my returning. If something happens now then it could jeopardise everything because it could be seen that I’m not being honest with him and so nothing can be accepted. 

My mind is my enemy. My mind forgets. My mind messes up. 

Not me, my mind. 


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