Scenario: on holiday with my aunt, uncle, cousin, and two second cousins in Northumbria (Bambrugh). I’ve had an absolutely fantastic few days with them, mostly looking after the boys – I am here as unofficial babysitter – but also just getting away from life in general. The only constant reminder are the pills I’m taking nightly.

… and the scars that are still red.

… and the feeling of deep, dark nothing that occasionally hits me in waves. 

I’m in a strange yet not unfamiliar place. I’m happy, smiling, doing things I enjoy… yet I have no zest for life. I can’t sleep, food makes me nauseous, and today we were on a boat and when we couldn’t see the fantastic number of Puffins and Seals about all I wanted to do was jump overboard and sink. 

Along with wanting to just… well, sink, I’ve also been given reasons to cling on and keep riding the waves. My second cousins look up to me so much. I’ve always been the cousin who plays with the lego, who runs into the sea, who play fights, referees football, etc etc. but the extent hasn’t really hit me until this holiday. The eldest is 12 and just starting his teenage years (eek) and is already a bit moody and withdrawn, but for some reason I can always get a smile and get him involved in things that he ‘didn’t want to do’. The younger one seems to think that everything I do is God’s holy orders. 

I’m not saying that as a ‘Look at me, I’m so fantastic with them, everybody else is rubbish’ I’m saying because it’s genuinely torn at my heartstrings: how would they feel being told that I was dead? More than that, dead at my own hand? It breaks me when I think of it… it really truly hit me on the boat when I was stood there sheltering the youngest from the wind. 

How could I even do that? Just leave them in such a manner? They love me and I love them, and nothing can change that.

So this is to my younger family members who know absolutely nothing of what I’m going through; I’m currently holding on and clawing my way out of this pit for you. 

After all, who else is going to teach you to surf? 


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