I’m going to be writing a lot at the minute and these posts aren’t exactly going to be eloquent or very good, I just need venting.

Managed to drag myself to my first university band rehearsal yesterday, and could only manage half of it before I felt like crying or hiding.

Leading to me leaving half way through.

Leading to them not wanting me in the concert.

Leading to more spirals.

Leading to me crying.

Leading to deep dark pit that is me. 

Leading to fire deep down.

Leading to fight.

Leading to determination. 

Leading to will. 

Leading to want. 

Leading to I’m playing anyway because you can’t actually stop me.

I never really know how my posts are going to finish. I just start and then my mind starts thinking and then things happen. I didn’t expect this one to go up, I thought it would go down into the ‘There’s no point any more’. 

I’m not entirely sure why it didn’t. I’m not complaining, just wondering at what my mind actually wants in life. 

I simultaneously want to fight and give up. I think fight is stronger.

Fight suits me better anyway. 


2 thoughts on “More

  1. I have been reading your posts from a dark space of my own, and each of them makes me want to say something but I can never quite find the words. I think the urge to fight and also not, are present together in our minds all the time but drown each other out if that makes sense? The fact that you’re still here is a credit to you. It’s quite frankly one of the most impressive things I can think of, given all that you have been through. Clearly that little fighting part of you continued to whisper away while the louder voice to give up was taking all your attention. The fact that, given how awful and down right bleak thinks have been for you over the past… (well, the entire time I’ve been following this blog really) is not what speaks loudest to me. What speaks loudest to me is that the posts keep coming. Through all the awfulness, the posts keep coming. Which means that you keep going, or at least, the shell you now feel you’ve become keeps going, waiting for the day when you come home to it again. This is all heartbreaking to read, but there is a strength in you I think even you cannot see. To carry on when it seems there’s nothing to carry on for is one of the hardest things in the world I know that much, and you’ve done that so many times and managed to find some incredible moments in the process such as with your band and the boat and things. Oh, and you got a first. And still you don’t take no for an answer. I don’t think you realise it, but you’ve been fighting for a very long time. Just look at all the times you couldn’t go on, and without knowing how somehow did. It doesn’t matter how. It doesn’t matter if it was just the passing of time. You carried on and I just… that’s… wow. This blog is a map of all the things you’ve been through, and you’ve travelled so much further than most would have. I’ve never met you, but every time I read your posts I’m proud of you. You make me proud of people in general.

    I’ll leave you with a quote I think of often,
    “That was the problem with being so convinced of your own awfulness – you thought people were lying when they didn’t agree with you” – Veronica Roth.

    So you might think I’m lying right now, but you inspire me, you really do. You give me hope that somehow I can get through too. And I know you’ve lost so much, so many parts of you and if your life, but among those losses you’ve achieved so much as well. Just… Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to answer – in honesty I didn’t know what to say, and I still don’t really. All I can really think is ‘Thank you’, yet that’s hardly an adequate response to a comment that’s made me well up each time I’ve read it. So I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you – I just have no idea how to respond. I’m sorry, this really isn’t adequate.

      I really really hope you’re starting to feel more human, you’ve been so brace these weeks. Sending all the love to you

      Liked by 1 person

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