I started this blog because I had nowhere else to turn. Nobody wanted to know, I felt alone, and when I did turn to people who were supposed to help it got thrown back in my face in the worst possible way. I was restricted, banned, and generally prejudiced against because I’d opened up and told them that something was wrong.
Hence blog. Anonymous blog. The one true me.
I’ve been very lucky recently. I’ve found people I can be open with, completely open. I’ve really found myself struggling the past few weeks; I’ve been on the wrong side of bridges, contemplating notes, and just wondering what the world would be like without me in it – sometimes it looks fantastic. I’ve self-harmed for the first time in ages. I’ve found myself spontaneously bursting into tears. I’ve snapped, clung to people, and have spiralled out of control at points. I’ve called helplines, all of them. I sometimes feel, as a somewhat religious person, that the only reason I’m still here is because someone is keeping me here. I’ve been so so close. I feel so so close.
I still have people I can turn to and talk to. I don’t get it.
I’m currently non-operational on the boat which makes me feel sick every time I think about it. The only thing I can cling on to about that is that they at least have a justifiable reason; we have a job to do, and a duty to look after ourselves whilst we’re doing it. I wasn’t doing the looking after myself bit which puts myself, my team, and any casualty at a risk. So it makes me feel sick because I’m at the point where people think I’m not up to a job, which I am. I know I am. I just have to prove it to them, which I’m in the process of doing.
I’m even eating breakfast for heaven’s sake.
Ok, so I just stopped and wondered ‘Why am I writing?’. I’m supported, I can turn to people, and I’m being positive. So why am I writing?
I think… I think I’m afraid that as I crawl back up my spiral, something is going to make me slip or even just throw me over the side of it. I’m graduating in just over a month, I’m going to get back onto the job I love, I have so many things to do…
I’m just constantly aware that in my core, beyond the positivity and the determination, I am still in a deep black pit and I can’t see a future. That scares me. It’s making me question how long I can keep this shell up, because it is a shell; it’s a deep, tough one, but if the black core is there then it is a shell nonetheless. No matter what I do at the moment, I can’t see a way forward.
I’m afraid that despite everything everyone says I won’t be made operational again. I’m afraid of a repetition of every single similar situation I have found myself in. I’m afraid of being thrown off of my spiral. I’m afraid of falling. I’m afraid of climbing over that ledge and going off. I’m afraid of cutting too deep. I’m afraid of tying that noose to a tree. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of myself.
I’m so so afraid.
But this is what this blog is for, and I can’t lie, writing it all out has lifted a weight from my shoulders. The knot in my stomach has loosened slightly. My mind is starting to say ‘you’re overthinking’. Because I can do this: I can get back on ops; I can get back up my spiral; I can climb back over that ledge to safety; I can undo that knot; I can stop cutting; I can and will succeed. I can learn what it is to be me again and I can consume that core.
There is something different this time, and I think it’s that I’m not alone. I’ve not just been thrown to the wolves, people have stood by me and are continuing to do so despite everything. The sun is shining.
They’re not giving up on me.
So why should I.