I’m not needing to write a lot at the minute which could be a good or a bad thing. I honestly don’t know which. Needing to write right now is obviously a bad thing, but eh, what else is this for?

So. Drama.

Drama drama drama. The band I conduct certainly had an eventful evening – an extension of an eventful week if I’m honest. I’ll deal with the week first as it’s all interlinked. 

Basically, some jobs you can pick your own music and programme, others have a request for a piece, some are completely themed. We have two jobs this month and until Tuesday as far as myself and my assistant MD were aware, both were own choice programmes. NOPE. One of the jobs was a Last Night of the Proms – which everyone hates – and we have not been working on the music. This job was on the 22 April and I found this information out on Tuesday. With the first job in two weeks, this was not adequate time to organise sorting what were now two very different programmes and I got annoyed.

I got VERY annoyed. 

Not only because we hadn’t been told – some people are bad at giving details so we can find out late – but because two members of the band committee had known this information since 17 September 2016. They’d known for six months that this was a themed job. They weren’t even the ones to tell us, my AMD found out after asking the secretary for the email that had the information about the job on which quite clearly stated ‘Last Night of the Proms’. 

Now this could have been forgiven as a lapse on the committee members part, but at the same time there are other things to consider;

  • Over the past few months, one of them has been getting more and more volatile and at times almost aggressive which is really demoralising and unpleasant
  • Both have made untrue accusations that try and make it sound like I’ve done a bad job, despite all accusations very easily disproven
  • Under their leadership it’s almost become a dictatorship and… well, we’ve lost our band
  • Tonight, one of them turned up just to walk out after 20 minutes to try and make a scene

Basically, we wouldn’t be surprised if it was withheld on purpose. They’ve changed as people and most definitely not for the better. All of this cued an email from me, and I’m putting my neck out by saying it was a really really good email. People were very impressed. I sent it to the entire committee, and without saying any names or pointing any fingers simply expressed my disappointment in the situation and my concerns about being able to provide a decent enough performance to warrant our full fee. I was polite, yet assertive and made my point and feelings known. 

The result? We are no longer doing a job that would embarrass, stress, and demoralise the band as a whole. 

The result of that? Those two troublesome committee members have left. It would be a lie to say many tears were shed. 

This isn’t why I needed to write, this is a positive thing; a very negative influence has left. I need to write because rehearsal tonight was tough. Not least because one of them turned up to try as cause trouble, but the whole band are just flat at the moment and they are primarily the cause of it. We don’t feel like we’re enjoying it, it feels pushed and forced and… well, yeah, flat. Fake. We had conflict between members tonight, one person who wasn’t involved in said conflict walked out crying, people struggled to concentrate… we got more and more frustrated and it ground to a halt 90 minutes in. I lasted 37 until I snapped, I just couldn’t stand in front of a band who were so demoralised that the only emotion I was getting was ‘We don’t care’, no matter how true or false that was. It’s incredible what can come across in music even when it’s not felt. 

It was hard work and at the end I just wanted to get into my car, drive to the coast and off a cliff. It was close. I’m glad I have a close group who look out for me there, they saw me right. I suppose the 2 hours just reminded me that I’m not alright, and something as small as that can change my entire outset. It’s a somber if thought to me; two hours doing something I should love can tempt me towards suicide. Well, dammit. 

I’m still not ok. My mind feels dark – you know exactly what I mean; heavy, black, tired, stretched as far as it can go. I’m just not ok.

But I will be. The band will be. The two causes of trouble are now gone, they’ve left for good. We can become a family again, we can enjoy it again, we can be the band we want it to be again. I’ve been around for 7 years, I’m not giving up on them. 

When the ball hits the floor it can only bounce up.

Right? 
Afterword: sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. I’d go back and edit it but I’m too tired, fed up, and in all honesty I think that going back and trying to make it essay-worthy grammar and structure is just a little fake. This blog is supposed to be me after all. Apologies. 

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