Warning; this could be long

Contest weekend is all over and done with. It went well. The trio I was in were apparently the highlight of our band’s set, which is always good. 

I can’t really say much more that is positive. There’s too much bad, to much gone wrong. In my last post I wasn’t sure what was going on and I’m still not sure, but I know that it’s bad. It’s very bad. 

So, part of the organising committee. One of the drivers. So I ended up with a lot of things in my car on the day, and the day before it. When we finished there were things in my car and I went to the overnight accommodation with the rest of them with things in the car. 

Now for context, this was 0030 on Sunday. I’d been awake since 0700 Friday. I’d been running around non-stop since 0500 Saturday morning, fuelling myself on caffeine and lucozade. This would be causing havoc in a body with a healthy heart. You can imagine what it was doing to mine.

I managed, I got through. I felt awful but I got through. I tried to stay, I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. As anyone who has long-term health problems will realise, there are many many triggers. Not only the stimulants, but the time and activity could have done it alone. I want going to sleep well enough on the Sunday and so… well, I made the decision to drive back. Another committee member went to my car with me, but neither of us knew what was there or what could be needed. The Chair was coming in as I left, stopped me, I explained, and carried on. I got back safely and at least got 3 hours but it was easily 1400 until I was able to move safely without leaning for support. 

So; long day playing health havoc, everyone knew I was leaving, two saw my car as I left and didn’t say anything, and I was in no fit state to drive the next morning. That’s the overview. 

So I’m now being blamed for having things in my car that needed to be there on Sunday. Not just blamed though, the fault of it is all being thrown violently at my door. 

Yes it was in my car as I drove home but there were two others and the whole committee knew I was going; I didn’t sneak out. I had no idea what was in there, others did. There was no question of me driving on Sunday morning, it was not safe. To me all of it seems to come down to the fact that I had to make a decision based on my physical health (a decision I stand by). 

The chairman (the one who saw me going with a full car) is now making it very difficult for me to get the equipment back to the people we borrowed it from. The time he’s told me is when I’m on a training shift, and from a conversation with someone else the same chair has been saying things that aren’t exactly endearing people to help. 

All of this is not having a good effect. It’s having a ‘Should I even try?’ effect. Part of me really wants to just give them a reason to complain and say how I’m deliberately avoiding everything. Another part of me wants to circle the relevant points of the Disability Act (as an organisation it applies). 

The part of me that wants to curl up and cry is winning though. I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m frustrated. It isn’t my fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault. It happened, and for some reason I’m the only one who can do anything about it and I’m getting a lot of unfairness because I can’t. 

Sorry for a slightly moany post but… eh, I need to write, I need to get it out. I might be moaning, but it feels unduly deserved. Correct me if I’m wrong. 

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