After my last two awful posts, I want one that will have meaning. I want a post that could resonate. I want a post that someone could read and think ‘Hang on, maybe this isn’t my time’. I’ve been reading people’s blogs, how close they are and it resonates so deeply but I can’t adequately reach out to them because no matter how similar they are, I can’t sympathise with them. No two situations are the same, no matter how they look.
So this is my reach out. If you are one of those people who are at the end of their tether, please read this to the end. Please.
Reasons to not kill myself; the main one that saves me is my family. Cliche, I know, but please stick. I come from a huge, close-knit family and I wouldn’t be the first to kill myself. I think that’s part of the deterrent, I’ve seen and felt how much it tore our hearts apart. None of us have dealt with it well. It was my uncle, one of my dad’s younger brothers. His side of the family broke and is still broken from it. Even at my lowest, I still can’t do that to them again. Then there’s my mum’s side and, well… I have a 15 month old second cousin who spends his life in and out of intensive care. I’m not going to be selfish enough to throw my life away whilst we’re all so desperate for him to keep hold of his. Your life is not your own, neither is your death. You don’t experience it, you don’t see the effect. You can’t predict what it’ll be: you may be thinking ‘They hate me’ but they don’t (personally I believe hate is impossible).
The last one of those isn’t what I’d call a ‘healthy’ reason; it paints you negatively, but it’s still a reason; your family would still be heartbroken, your friends distraught. Even after a fight, even when you’re in your deepest pit, their hearts will break when they hear it. Just try. Your death isn’t your own.
Another reason that often works; I have too much to do. Literally. I’ll have a rehearsal, I’d have plans to meet someone, I’d have a lecture. These thoughts have stopped attempts before. It sounds stupid, but just think of things I have to do has helped it… it gives me a purpose. It gives me a reason to keep on breathing.
Sometimes it’s those things that can be causing you to want to stop. It could be an exam, it could be a meeting that you really don’t want. But there is always something after that: some job, some social plan, something. You can’t leave a list incompleted.
This next reason is very much linked to the last one, and… it’s something I was told when I was 15 in a counselling session. It’s resonated throughout my life since then and I’ve actually used it when helping people. I quite simply ask myself a question;
Do I see a future?
The answer is always yes. I see a future. My future. I see a job, a house, a family, friends, sadness, laughter, I see… life. I see life and that is the most important thing. If I kill myself then regardless of anything else, that is gone and you know what? It hurts. It hurts like grief and in some ways it is, I’m grieving something that would be lost. It may not make much sense to you, but I can’t think of a way to make it clearer.
Ask that question. That is the most important question you could ask yourself.
Can I see my future?
It’s there. It’s always there and it’s always worth fighting for. It may look bleak and desperate and painful, but there will be glimmers of light that you can build into beacons of fire.
Your future is worthy your breath, it is worthy of your heart beating, it is worthy of your mind and your life. More than that, your future is worthy of you.
You don’t need a palm reader, you don’t need anyone to answer it for you because you know the answer. You could be in the darkest deepest recesses of your mind, but your future is there.
If you are reading this and you are desperate, think of your future however far away it is: think of next week, think of old age. It is your beacon calling you and it cannot be extinguished by anyone, not even you. You are worthy of life, you are worthy of oxygen, and you are worthy of your future.
Never give up. Think of what is yet to come.
It’s cliched and you might be reading this and thinking ‘She’s stupid’ but please… if it’s you or anyone else… remind them. Please remind them. Nobody should ever feel so bad about themselves that they only see one option.