I have to write. I’m terrified.

I’m also a little tipsy at the start of writing this, which most definitely did not help what I’m currently incredibly nervous about. A friend from uni band (currently year in industry) was up in York today and so the band took the opportunity for cocktails ( if you’re ever in York, Evil Eye! It’s fantastic, and rumoured to be Jonny Depp’s favourite bar). So a few cocktails later, I was a little tipsy and vowed to not drink any more after the past few weeks. I haven’t been the most stable heart patient,  and I didn’t want to… persuade any problems. 

Cut to about an hour later. I’m stood in the club watching fellow banders dance and the most disconcerting, dread-filled wave of dizziness hits me. I’m not on about having to sit down; I’m on about lurching, nausea, prolonged blackout dizzy. It was the worst bout I think I’ve ever had without any smaller build ups. Naturally this was slightly odd, and I knew I hadn’t had anywhere near enough alcohol to warrant it, so I quickly checked my pulse.

My heart rate was roughly 260 bpm.My panic levels hit the roof. I could barely stand so when a friend noticed me it was a bit of a God-send. I did my best to explain and thankfully they got the message that something was wrong and took action. Supporting me as if I was very drunk to detract attention, I was taken outside where a more accurate pulse reading was taken.

I hadn’t been mistaken.

By now I was nearly hyperventilating from panic; I genuinely thought my heart was going to fail: it’s no way near strong enough to sustain a rate as frantic as that. It dipped below 200 after a few minutes but I was still panicking a bit. I’ve no idea why it shot up so suddenly; no, alcohol would not have helped, but it doesn’t explain it. It’s unexplainable.

I do have the most fantastic, understanding friends though. I can’t even describe it. 

I wrote that last night when I got in. I’m still full of dread. I’ve just woken up and my pulse is well over double my resting. Every now and then it hurts, like a searing burning pain that spreads towards my back and neck. 

Something’s wrong. But I’m fine.


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