I’ve had a rough time with my memory the last few days. I’ve been forgetting little things that are actually fairly major in their own context. I was told a few months ago now by my psychologist about dissociative amnesia and how, from my experiences, there was little doubt that I had that at points when I’ve been… yeah, let’s just say desperate.

But I’ve been steady recently. Very down, but quite steady. I can’t think of anything that could have triggered my brain to dissociate itself from my life. But hey, something is up and I’m writing.

It started on Sunday morning; I woke up, didn’t want to do anything, and so just laid in bed watching something on iPlauer (a documentary of some sort) at 0845 I received a text from a friend asking if I was walking or driving that morning. This is where the issue starts; I didn’t answer that text, I don’t remember reading that text, but I must have done because at 0950 I got another one: ‘Are you nearly here?’. I was supposed to be marching at 10.

I had 10 minutes to get myself up, uniformed, and into the middle of York to march as part of the navy parade. This obviously was not going happen.

I lost it a little; I am not someone who takes my music lightly (I’m a music student for goodness sake!) and to have told my band I’d be marching… I should have been marching. I had no excuse, no reason; I just forgot. I fell apart just more than little. I don’t do letting people down; thankfully they had three people to lead the band, but still, I should have been there and I wasn’t.  For some stupid stupid reason I wasn’t. 

The whole incident wasn’t completely negative though! We’ll it was… but I had some nice support from a fellow player (who is also incidentally a cardiac nurse. I sit between an army medic and a cardiac nurse. This could not have been planned) who found me in a bit of a state outside the bandroom on Monday… I was convinced I was in serious trouble because I’d forgotten the march the previous morning and was having a little panic cry. He was very nice and I don’t know if I would have gone in if he hadn’t encouraged me to and not told me to stop being so silly (not in that way – almost a joking way to make you laugh). As it goes, nothing was said. Nothing by anyone, and I relaxed as the rehearsal went on.

Until today. Today. Today today today. Well I walked out of the house to go to another rehearsal this evening, went half way down the road before I realised I didn’t have my music and so turned back. Got half way there and realised my instrument was neither at home or on me – it was at university. A half hour detour commences. I get to rehearsal and I’ve brought the wrong music. It was a disaster. 

So yeah, small things, but… they’re big. Music is my life, and I’m forgetting it. I’ve had problems with people’s names the last few days. I’ve never had problems like this, and what’s making it worse is that I’m aware of them – unlike my dissociation, where I’m not until it’s brought to my attention. I hate it and I feel very… fragile. I’m constantly checking my diary to make sure I’m mot missing anything, and I’m double checking names, places, times… everything.

It’d probably nothing, I know it’s probably nothing, but it’s disconcerting, and causing stress and panic that I really don’t want on top of this depressive episode. I need to HD it together but I feel almost held back by something because I feel so on edge. Hey how, life goes on. I don’t really know how to finish so I’ll leave it here… bye-bye.
P.S I’ve made a change in lifestyle. I’ve decided to stop taking my sertraline. I don’t know why, but mentally it wasn’t helping a lot at the minute and physically I feel so much better; no shakes or weak feelings, no struggle to take pills. I guess I’ll feel the effects of this soon but for now, I feel a bit more free. More me, whoever she may be.

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