It’s been a while since I’ve poured myself out on here. A few reasons for that, but please don’t ask me because I don’t know what they are.
I’m having a roller coaster of a time. I’m stressed, my heart is getting stressed, my brain is getting stressed, all of me is stressed. It’s only week three. What is happening .
Thing is, this roller coaster isn’t a few days on, a few days off… my emotional turn around is hours, sometimes minutes. I can be absolutely fine, and for some reason my mind u-turns and plunges me down again. In rehearsals and lectures I’ve generally been flying pretty high, enjoying life and what I’m doing which is amazing. I’ve been doing things I usually love doing and I feel… flat. Smothered. I have no emotion. I’m like that at the minute, just… nothing. I’m supposed to be doing a games session with friends tonight and I’ve cancelled. I was supposed to meet other friends at 4 and I cancelled. I hate it. I have no life or energy or motivation at the moment, except to work. Which is not good. I’ll get on to that in a minute…
In complete contrast, rehearsal Monday night: I had my joie de vivre back, I was me. I was planning a blog post on how good I’d been feeling in those few precious hours, but in the 35 minute walk home my mood plummeted.I’d been so happy and free with an instrument in my hand, working at something, and it’s as if as soon as I don’t have something to improve on I just fail at life.
I know the point where I am; I have no motivation except to work, and that is not healthy. I’m sliding back to the point where my mind believes I’m pointless unless I’m being ‘useful’ (learning and working, basically). This led me to my breakdown in my first year and the pressure I put myself under to work has been a constant issue between myself and any medical professional I see. I can’t afford this in my final year, and certainly not so early on. I need to see someone, I need to see them soon and get something sorted, but… I can’t. After the letter that was sent to the Endocrinology people (saying my current blood sugar issues are self-caused using housemates insulin (100% not true)) I don’t want to see them, and have absolutely no incentive to try because they’ve massively set me back with those words. I’m not going to lie, this period of broken mental health started around then and I think I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t acknowledge that the doctors had a role in causing it.
I can’t cope and I don’t feel I can do anything about it. Welcome to third year.