There are strong misconceptions that people who are depressed need things to be going wrong; a trigger in other words.

The last couple of days have been amazing. I conducted an extremely successful concert where the band and audience were perfect. It couldn’t of gone any better. The comments we recieved afterwards were so heartwarming and the band were booked again. The committee were there and when we were finished I found someone who’s been involved with me musically for 10 years in tears with pride. No relation, just the mother of a friend. Seriously; my heart felt like it could burst. 

Yesterday I was working at the British Open Brass Band contest. I was working with  the biggest names in brass banding in the country. I spoke to them. They spoke to me. Words cannot explain. This picture can. 

For privacy reasons, I’ve had to cut on of my idols out, but it was a fantastic day. 

So tell me; if depression needs triggers, why am I wanting to drink myself blind? Why do I feel empty? Why am I nothing? 

I don’t know the answers. I just needed to write. I don’t know why I needed to either. 



4 thoughts on “The dark abyss of… success?

  1. Depression is an asshole. It’s this weird thing that refuses to let go, and the reason it is still ever present is because as you pointed out so rightly, it doesn’t need a trigger at all. Perhaps that then generates its own trigger by making us feel ungrateful in the face of our successes, and re-starting/ intensifying the downward spiral that it throws us upon. But when I read your posts, I see somebody who is trying with everything they have (and who feels like they are failing, but that’s depression being a dick again) to get out of the hole they are in and to be who they want to be and take back the things they have lost to depression. It sounds easy but it isn’t at all, and when I read back through what you’ve been through, I take inspiration from your unwilling perseverance and the strength that depression tells you that you don’t possess (but that you have in quantities you could never imagine). You may have no idea why you write, or why you wrote this, but I think the universe does – you inspire. You speak honestly. You open the eyes of people who could not imagine what depression is like and you carry on through so many times when you really can’t (if that makes sense). And no matter what depression screams at you on the surface, a tiny, unheard part of you somehow holds on. The fact that you’re still writing and still going out doing things like this… I mean… That’s the teeny tiny part of you winning, even if it gets drowned out.

    I’m sorry if this is super unhelpful and seems patronising, I didn’t intend it to be that way at all. Just felt it needed to be said.


    1. Thank you my lovely, I’m not really sure how to reply at the minute (sorry – dark place) but thank you.
      I’m glad you’ve been having some good times though, and that your operation went well! You keep smiling and taking care through it all x


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