Today is my first concert as a conductor. In 5 hours I’ll be stood in front of an audience waving my arms about and trying to talk.
I’m a tad* nervous. Public speaking has never been something I’ve been praised for. At school, my accent got a lot of attention and hurtful comments, and in the end I just stopped talking. Literally. But the damage lasted; I’m quiet, don’t tend to talk unless someone talked to me first, and I now have no accent whatsoever. It makes me quite sad to think about it as I love Cornish accents and mine is pretty much… gone.
But yes. Nervous. I’m going to mess up. I just know I’m going to mess up. Not even a small mistake, a massive catastrophe. I can feel it. Either when talking or actually conducting, I will fail. Why would I succeed? I’m rubbish.
Alright, so I wrote that lot yesterday (Sunday) and it kind of applies. The band held it together, I did not. I got the human wrong.
In a church.
In a church I misidentified a hymn.
It’s the most embarrassed I’ve been in over a year. I could hear the audience singing, they were completely aware that I’d messed up. What else could I do but own up and try my best to make light of it?
That wasn’t the only thing to go wrong. My body decided it wasn’t going to behave. Halfway through the first half my blood sugars went ‘Nope’ and plummeted, really plummeted. At the interval they were 1.3. I don’t know how I was still standing. It’s reminiscent of Saturday when I played a concert under 2 the whole time.
The blood sufar thing is more frustrating than anything else; my heart is somewhat predictable, I know how to look after it, what triggers could be, how to deal with it. My mental health, it’s just me. My personality now. I am it. But my bloods? No clue. No trigger. No pattern. Nothing. It’ll just happen and I can only try my best to fix them. At home, at work, rehearsals, concerts, ANYWHERE. My blood sugar will just drop. I’m at the end of my tether with it.
So yeah. I messed up. My body messed up more. I’m giving up. What’s the point.