My heart is broken one way anyway, but hey. It’s now emotionally broken as well.

I’ve been directing my old band of 7 years these past two weeks and it was going brilliantly. It’s been something to look forward to in a world of black. At the end of this week’s rehearsal I posted on the message board of the website to just remind them of a few things I’d asked them to remember in the rehearsal. The response was not what I expected. 

I’ve had two people use what I’ve said as a reason to resign. One stating that I was clearly insulting the previous director, and the other using a dynamics comment to say that it’ll be quieter without him. It was completely unfair and completely uncalled for. To say that to someone who is currently doing the band a favor whilst they have no director is plain rude, and deliberately said to hurt.

The reason this broke me is because I’ve known them for years and I counted them as friends. They both know how much the previous conductor means to me, how much I owe him. I’ve had the band manager call me to say that what they’d said was out of order and he’d had many contact him to say the same thing. I was in tears during that phone call. He was so supportive and kind, and it was really needed.

I’m too unstable at the minute to deal with something like that on my own. I just can’t, mentally I’m far too weak. I’m fragile. Black. Withered. 

I suppose this is more of an optimistic post; I have people who believe in me, and who want me to succeed. People who will, temporarily, create and hold the barrier my mind is too weak to create. 

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