This is a list for me when I next see someone. Anyone. My cardiologist, my GP, counsellor, Open Door at university, anyone who has the ability to help me.

I’m in my room on the Isle of Wright. I’m still awful mentally (post yesterday, I can’t go into it now). I’ve also learnt today that I am allergic to jellyfish stings (yay). 

I’m wanting to hurt myself, badly.

I’m wanting to drink far more than is healthy.

I’m wanting to open my pill box and take everything I brought with me, and my dad’s.

I want to walk into the sea and swim to a point where even I cannot fight the ocean. 

I’m desperate. I don’t even know why mow.  Today had been a good day, paddle boarding, kayaking and swimming, yet despite this I’m a mess, a complete mess. 

I’ll have to show this list. I’ll have to do something to stop me from… well, stopping.

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