I’m writing this from a different haven of… the Isle of Wright. Exciting.

I wish I was writing this from my usual hovel though. I was really looking forward to this week away. I needed it. I’m exhausted from my job and was looking forward to a family break. At 11 this morning I was wishing I’d stayed at home.

It’s just comment after comment after comment. Non of them good or nice, they’re just snide and cruel and uncalled for. I can’t and don’t want to recall all of them, but there was one about the size of the drink I had, my breathing (my sister literally complained about my breathing), how I don’t help (I’ll explain this one), and how I’m just… me.

So the not helping, we had a trolley to help get things from the car to the caravan and my sister asked me to pull whilst she pushed. I’m stronger than her so asked if she just wanted me to push it, the response to which was a hard and very uncalled for shove of said trolley into my ankles. This was followed by a snide comment of ‘Don’t help then’. With crippled ankles my sister got to the caravan first and told parents I didn’t help and I’m sure you can guess what happened then. 

The drink remark, well a bit of a back story to that one. I love hot chocolate, really really love it, and so when I was offered said delightful beverage I was quite eager. Said beverage was a large one and it was followed by a quip of ‘Do you really need that?’ followed by laughter from others in the car. Great. Thanks. You forgot that eating disorder then. It wasn’t a big deal to you (nothing concerning me never is) but it was and still is for me. I haven’t eaten or drunk anything after that without thinking of how I look and what’s in it. So thanks. Thanks a lot.

I can’t do anything: breathing = moan, medicine = moan, sleep = moan.

Me equals moan.

So yeah. Today has been horrible and triggering and I’m feeling crap. I’m really down, or moody as my mum says. I thought I’d stopped crying but I started again as I typed that. I feel so alone and stupid and worthless and there’s no point to me.

I want to say I wish I was at home…

I wish I was at home.*
*I wish I was dead.

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