This isn’t really about my health, or anything that’s happened today or in the previous days. This post is an ongoing conflict: one I have mentioned before.
As I’ve previously said, and it was quite clear, I am an anonymous writer. This is so I can express myself freely without repercussions, without people I know finding my thoughts, my feelings… me.
This is what I am conflicted about, quite deeply. I feel like I am living two lives, neither of which are my true self. There is the me my friends, family and colleagues see; happy, wacky, and little troubled, and then there is the blog me; my innermost thoughts and fears, the truth of how I’m feeling, but without the weirdness that defines me to some people.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I want to merge these people together to become a true person to everyone but I am terrified of both of them. What if one just overpowers another? I am also afraid of what people could read here, which is wrong. This is me, so why am I afraid. Am I truly so scared of what’s wrong with me?
I am a very broken human. I know that, and I know why. Mentally I am broken due to years of abuse, from people at school, music teachers, my parents to a certain extent and one other person who I will never mention again. Physically, my heart is roughly 2-3% scar tissue be a use the proteins didn’t combine properly. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but trust me it makes all the difference. My body also likes to break from time to time: tumours, major infections that require surgery, cerebral haemorrhage to name a few. I am a very broken human.
See I’ll admit that. I’ll admit how broken I am, but I can’t admit why and let that become a part of me. I don’t know why.
Thousands of people have very similar issues. Many more have problems that are far worse; I am aware of how lucky I am, and I still can’t accept it.
Everyday people will give up, people will lose the fight, and I’m watching my friends start down the slope and I feel like I can’t help because I keep everything so close. Part of me feels that if I tell them after they give hints that they would just think I was saying it and that it wasn’t true. I feel that if I’m closed off, I can’t help. I’m useless.
There’s such a taboo around health that we are afraid to break, that I am afraid to break. I’m not sure I’m ready to make that leap, even if it means being able to help lead others to the light and keep them there.
This post has taken a long time. I’ve made a decision. I’m not adding a name, but I am adding a face. World of wordpress, meet me. The anonymous, depressed, psychotic, broken musician. Pleased to meet you.