I wrote a post at the beginning of this academic year. It was about how awful my first year had been, and how I was so determined to work and do what I do best.

I have finished my 2nd year, and I’ve failed.

I’m not being melodramatic there, I’ve actually failed. One of my modules is a fail because I’m unable to walk into a concert hall with the pressure of having to review it and stay calm.

As far as my actual work goes, it’s not bad. It’s not what I wanted, but it’s not bad. I’ve been given a 2:1, which is ok I guess. I’m not happy with it, but eh.

I’m more annoyed because I’ve failed something because of… well, me. My head. My personality. Being unable to watch a concert with the pressure of reviewing it is ridiculous, I should be able to do that. But I couldn’t. I’ve failed my second year because I can’t do something.

It’s pushed me down, it really has. I was doing pretty good as well, after the last one lifted. I’m just hoping it can get sorted because it’s a medical thing.

I feel so useless. I feel absolutely useless and a failure of a human being.

Nothing else is coming, my mind has gone blank.

But yeah. I failed. I’m done.

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One thought on “Failure. Complete failure.

  1. Aww 😦 I want you to know that failing in a a module doesn’t mean that you yourself are a failure. In the grand scheme of things, it’s just a small part of your degree. It’s not game over yet. And it’s not even due to your lack of hard work – it’s the anxiety. Maybe speak to your course tutor or someone about your anxiety interfering with your performance? They could get you help or be more understanding about this in the future. Stay strong and remember, you’re not a failure. There’s more to life than your degree and mental health problems are a bitch. I wish you the very best ❤️

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