Earlier this week I had some severe doubts about a concert that I’m playing in tomorrow. I was told how members of the band were tired of me, and also how I was still wanted as a player.

Yeah. I’m a music student who can’t perform.

We had our last rehearsal today and I started off happy, genuinely happy. However, I’ve had my wrist in a cast this week after injuring it on Monday, and playing is very painful. We got to a trombone feature that I share with my lovely partner in trombone, and I couldn’t physically move my arm fast enough without causing a lot of pain.

This is one day before the concert.

I froze. Just froze. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t play. All of my doubts came back at once and engulfed me, triggering one of my worst panic attacks in a while. It took just over half an hour for me to be able to talk again. My wonderful best friend helped me to calm down, got my trombone off me and (after a while) got me outside.

Damage was done though – the chairman came out afterwards and said that I would be doing the feature, it’ll all be done by the other trombonist.

I’d just gotten over those doubts and then that happened. To be fair, I wouldn’t be able to play it, it would just hurt too much. But it’s the way it was said and the way the decision was taken out of my hands. He said ‘It’s clearly having a very negative affect on you’, but at this point I couldn’t say that it was the feature causing that, it was my wrist/hand.

I’ve been put back – a lot. I’m not even 100% sure why. I’d like to make it very clear that I don’t blame anyone, the fault is not with anyone. It’s just something that happened. But it’s sent me to a very bad place, a very very bad place. I’m very depressed, I’m wanting to kill myself, I’m wanting to die yet I can’t.

For the nonce, I am lost. I don’t even know why.

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