I was at the doctors this morning. A fun trip, as ever; she’s very nice my doctor, knows me VERY well by now so often if something isn’t quite right she can tell, taking a lot of the hard bit from me.
It got me thinking though, more than usual, about my mental health. It’s something that I can’t ignore, but I rarely think about it so deeply. What triggered it was a small conversation, and one comment:
‘I don’t feel you realise how ill you were’
I had to answer that I wasn’t, because that’s the truth. I didn’t realise this morning, and I don’t think I fully realise now. But looking back 12 months… I’m a little bit scared. By this point I’d been admitted to hospital after a major breakdown, I was becoming psychotic, I’d tried to kill myself twice and self harm was always on my mind. Before the new academic year started I would end up in hospital again from another attempted suicide.
This year? I’m slightly psychotic, but I don’t think I’ve had any serious intent: there is a huge difference between feeling suicidal and being suicidal, and I am most certainly only the former.
It does scare me though, because I didn’t realise. I thought I was quite good at acknowledging when my mental health was on the decline but now I’m not so sure. If I don’t realise how ill I can get, how can I gage it properly? It does scare me, I feel like I’m nearly dependant on others to notice when I’m not myself and for them to alert me to it. I feel very vulnerable.
I started to think a little more, and after a while my insides turned into ice. I don’t notice my mental health, would I notice my physical health? Statistically my mental health has a far bigger chance of killing me than my heart does at the minute, but my heart is degenerative; it will deteriorate no matter what.
What if I don’t notice when something changes?
I need to be aware. The thought has had me panicking a lot today, which ironically is bad for my head and my heart. I’m scared that so much of my health does rely on me, and on me noticing when something is malfunctioning.
I don’t even know if this makes sense, I’m panicking as I write this, so many apologies for any spelling or grammatical errors, I’m just not noticing.
I don’t trust myself to be in charge when I don’t fully know what I’m looking for. Does that make sense? I don’t know. It just scares me.
I don’t like this.
Ok, I’ve calmed down a little now. It’s all about lines, and recognising when I’m crossing them. That’s a nicer way of thinking it. I have some lists to write and people to alert about these boundaries as they may be a little different. It’s good to keep people in the loop anyway, it’s a piece of mind for me and anything that helps to eliminate stress is a good thing. Hopefully if my head is being taken care of, then my head will take better care of my heart.