Don’t get me wrong; I have the most wonderful set of friends. I love them all, and they are so fantastic and supportive, I don’t know what I’d have done without them.
I wanted to day that first. I feel that what is going to follow may seem like a contradiction, but I’m pretty certain that it’s my head playing games with me again.
So, let’s start with today’s positives. I have completed my second year of university. I am now a 3rd year music student at the University of York. This didn’t start very well; there was a lot of panicking and running around trying to get it all printed off for 0900 on the dot (for reasons that will be explained) and trying to convert scores and goodness knows what. But I did it, and I’m fairly happy with what I’ve submitted.
This was followed by a band trip to Scarborough (hence early hand in – train!). For a long time I wasn’t going to this. I thought that the stress if hand in would play havoc with my mental health, especially with the stresses that would be included in going. However, my wonderful best friend suggested we go an hour early so we could literally just chill with no one else there. So we did – and it was lovely. I’m a Cornish girl, a surfer, ex-RNLI, I love the beach and the sea. It really is a miracle cure for me, I’m happiest (and today, coldest) in water. A day of swimming, cricket, attempts at football, and beautiful sunshine.
They’re the good bits. Now for the bad.
I’ve handed my work in. There’s nothing more I can do. My stress levels are awful now I’m back home. I’m currently heavily depressed which has ruined what should have been a happy evening. I’m really wanting to hurt myself, which hasn’t been a thing for a while now. I’m slipping.
I’ve really badly damaged my wrist. I can’t bend it forwards and I can’t move my thumb. I’m pretty confident nothing is broken, I’ve most likely just aggravated the tendon injury I managed to get a few weeks ago. But still, a lot of pain.
These are small fry. The big bull dozers were this evening. I was getting are bit down from stress in a campus bar, and my wrist was hurting a lot so I wasn’t quite myself. A close friend offered a better wrist support than I had on, and I asked if I could walk with them to get it. I just needed to get out. On the way back, I was told that the other trombone player who is left with me at the end of this year had already been asking people to come along. The first thought that went through my head was ‘Why? We may get a whole load of freshers and this is my section’ which quickly, and most probably irrationally led to ‘He’s trying to get rid of me’. This played on my mind, as things do. I’m very fond of him, and with my mind telling me this it was upsetting me further. I summoned my best friend out when we got back and told him straight away. He took the logical approach; we do only have two players next year, we do need a third. But then he started saying that there wasn’t a reason to be asking people to join already. It was then also pointed out that someone had mentioned how tired of me he was.
How tired of me my section were.
How tired of me the conductor was. The band was. Everyone was.
This is my thought process. It’s going round and around in my head now.
As anyone with a long term physical or mental health disability will know, it’s hard to cope. It’s also hard for people around us to cope, our friends and family. They can only take so much of it. When you have both forms of disability, and quite severely, it’s hell. Literal hell.
If it’s true, I wouldn’t blame them in the slightest. But it hurts. It hurts so so so much. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. For people I love so much to feel that way about me, for me to be such a problem because of something I can’t control, it’s heart breaking. When I hear something like that in a fragile state anyway, it’s soul destroying.
I have a heart condition. I have severe mental health problems. I am broken.
Don’t get me wrong, they are fantastic people, but it is hard being around someone like me. I am difficult, I can be very hard to be around. I’m not blind to that, but I feel that part of me tries to ignore it because it’s painful.
Sorry for the long post. I needed to write, I needed to get it out.
But I’ve finished my second year. After everything, I’ve survived the second year. It’s been far more successful than the first.
Let’s keep that trend of improvement.
I can’t do this.