I wonder what this could be about.
You know when you realise something, and it hits you so strongly you just stop? Your stomach swoops, your heart skips, and at the same time your head becomes as light as a feather?
That happened yesterday. It wasn’t a very nice realisation… or it was… I’m struggling to decide really. Anyway, that happened and it’s changed my outlook I feel.
What was this wondrous occurrence… well, I’ve not been great for a fair while now, I’m depressed as hell, I’m far more anxious and I’m fed up of living. I’ve been walking around at night just thinking, and last night was pretty pretty bad. I’m meeting my friend who found this today, and I feel sick, I don’t know what he wants to talk about but I feel it can’t be good. Anyway, the old question of ‘Could I killed myself tonight?’ went around my head, and it responded with ‘No, you have rehearsal tomorrow, on Tuesday you’re going to an opera with your best friend, on Wednesday you’re seeing band again, Thursday you have another rehearsal, Friday you have a psychology appointment, and you’re in a theatre this weekend, not a good week.’. I then thought to myself ‘But you said things like that the last time’.
Then the stomach swooping happened. The only reason I haven’t done anything serious is because I’ve had things to do and people to see. Literally. If I’m honest, it’s mostly been band when I think back, but the principle stands.
I haven’t tried to kill myself because there’s always been someone.
That’s all its needed, one person. Sure, I imagine people will go ‘Oh, you can’t have been serious’, and I can’t answer that because it never came to trying. All I know is the mere thought of these people, and the effort they put in to my life has stopped any contemplation of it for a time.
I found that incredible, and they’ll never know. They can never understand how much they mean to me. I knew for certain there was a group of them who have saved my life, but now I’ve a strong feeling that, even if they don’t know it, they all have.
Close your eyes. Think of everyone you love. Think of anything in your diary, anything you’ve got to do, whether it’s meeting friends, housework, a job, school, family events… just think of it. Tell yourself you’ve got these things to do. Do them. Let yourself enjoy them.
Reconsider. Always reconsider.