Long title. Possibly long post.
I’m at my psychologist on Thursday. It’ll be an interesting visit.
In the past week, I’ve missed a concert, self-harmed, had a pretty bad bout of psychosis, and generally fallen off the rails.
I don’t know where to start.
Missed concert: I wrote about this on the day. I didn’t want to go, I couldn’t, it wasn’t right to and it wouldn’t have gone well. I stayed at home, although I was in uniform with everything ready. I just didn’t leave. My mistake was I forgot to tell someone; cue phone calls and a concerned friend visiting right afterwards. It’s not like me to miss a performance of all things, and a fair few people were worried. Probably rightly so, I’ve got some new marks. First time in quite a while. They’re superficial really, which is good. I also had to bin my medication: I didn’t feel safe with it. A good move on my part I feel, especially with what’s happened since.
Jump to Saturday; band meet up. I fell apart, I was hallucinating and it was terrifying. I needed two people to basically hug me home because I wouldn’t have gotten there on my own. Worst bit of that evening is I was apparently talking about a ‘plan’. I don’t even want to know, I can guess and they guessed, but I don’t want to know or definite. The two friends who got me home, they were lovely and I’m glad it was them and no-one else: they both knew that something was happening before, so it wasn’t a huge shock. Apparently I hadn’t been myself all night, I clearly need to work on that before other people start to notice.
Basically, tough week. I’m not steady, I’m not stable, but I’m in a safe environment. I’ve seen people every day. I’ve kept in constant contact with people. I want to climb back up.
I’ve got to talk about all of this on Thursday. I’ve got to recount it all. I’ve got to say what, and why. I’m not entirely sure I can do that. I’ve got the strength somewhere, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to use it. Or, what if the trying is too much, what if I fall apart there and then? I can’t lie, I’m afraid of that happening, but I’m also afraid of not saying, of not getting the help I need. I’m rational at the minute, but will I be in a day’s time?
I guess I’ll find out.
Look at that, not a long post.