I had the worst cardiac attack I’ve had in a while last night. Not good. Feeling very weak and shakey physically as well as mentally now. But life calls.

I say shakey mentally, that’s a lie. I’m not shakey, or unsteady; I’m downright constant but on the completely wrong level. Last night admittedly didn’t help, but it wasn’t the cause.

I don’t think people understand what depression is. How can they, it’s a horrible thing that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. But it’s not being sad, it’s just being nothing. Despite its name you find yourself unable to feel happy or sad, any emotion is locked away and you have to fake them all. I’m not one of those people who make scathing remarks when people use the term depression out of context, just to point that out. But how can they know what it’s like unless they’ve had it? You could read anything and you would struggle to get close to understanding. If someone opened themselves up to you and explained, it would be even harder I feel. This is why we feel alone; because unless were surrounded by sufferers, we are essentially an island that people don’t understand.

Sorry, off topic. I just hate it. I can’t live with it. I’m full of determination to succeed but my own mind tries to stop me. I don’t want to live with it. I just need to make sure that ‘I don’t want to live with it’ doesn’t become ‘I don’t want to live’.

I’m not going back there. If I do, I might as well not faff around and make sure I succeed. I don’t think I could take everyone’s response again.


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