Such a positive title.

Yes, I battled through the concert. Battled is the correct word as I was bordering a panic attack before I went on as I had many things to sort and very little time. I also had my fainting friend to help and put people in place for and that wasn’t going very well. She gave me jelly snakes though and it was fine (she got through it perfectly well).

Yes, things just went wrong. Beforehand everything was a mess, during orchestra my violin shoulder rest broke so I had Dvorâk’s 9th with a lot of discomfort-bordering-pain in my left shoulder, in brass band I was on the edge right the way through and one of the pieces went to pot a bit generally and my trombone had a rattle which didn’t help, and concert band was just a no, I seemed to forget how to play the euphonium. In front of the brass band with some of the finest euphonium players I know. Brilliant.

So yes, and incredibly stressful night. But I got through it. The concert ended. We went for post-show drinks.

It was 22:17 when I fell to pieces. Holding it off made it quite a lot worse: I wasn’t just panicking, I had a huge depressive episode, huge to the extent where I wasn’t left on my own as I was expressing harmful intent. I am officially a musician who can’t perform. What a joke. I turned my essay which could easily have made a 1st into a 2:1. I mess so much up.

Anyway, I’m over that now. I’m not planning anything anyway. I’ve had a good day. Seen friends, seen my parents, went busking (in the SNOW, not fun) and went kayaking for the first time in 5 weeks which was fantastic. Yes, we’ve had snow here, nothing big, but just enough to settle and then freeze over so we have an ice rink. To end a lively day I collapsed from exhaustion, my heart just went ‘nope’ and I dropped, but that was fine, luckily people were on hand. I’m coughing a lot now though, so fingers crossed nothing will come of that…

I’m not entirely sure of the point of this post… but hey, it’s the friend I can’t hug. Good enough. I’m working again. Functioning. We had a break in the ride but thanks to the mechanics were up and running again.

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