Quite a few things have happened. I’m going to try and forget my last post: I don’t like it, but the purpose of this blog is to expel things that are stressful, hard, and having a negative impact on my health.

To start with, medication. It’s horrible. The aftermath of my eigth dose week is still having a significant effect. I collapsed straight down in my last lecture today, and took quite a while to feel normal. I missed my trombone lesson and also a meeting with Amy* (other fainting brass player) and her college, which I feel pretty bad about. I told her what to avoid saying though, so it shouldn’t be too bad for her hopefully.

I’m going to UniBrass this year! Not to play, that wouldn’t end well at the minute, bur I’m volunteering and shadowing the predecessor of my role on next year’s committee. I’m far too excited about it. I’ve been sorting out my lanyard to wear during the day should something happen, which has meant disclosing my cardiac condition, but I trust our chairman; he’s a good sort, and a safe person. I’m very excited. Fingers crossed I don’t have a bad episode on that day.

What else… I’ve started my master’s research. Yes, I’m only 2nd year, but the more I do, the better chance I have of getting a place and a scholarship, which is what I really need.

Some slightly negative things about housing: for some reason my housemate is not talking to me and spending each day pretending she isn’t in her room. The only thing I can think of is that I turned the boiler down from full blast (which I cannot afford) down to where we usually have it. Since then, she’s just been in a sulk. It’s at the point where I’m trying to avoid being at home as much as possible as it’s really not good for me. I don’t like it and I don’t know what to do, but if it is the boiler then it’s ridiculous and I don’t have time to deal with that. Also, my contract for my next house starts 3 months before my current one ends, and the landlord is sadly being immovable on rent payment, so I have quite a big issue there. It’ll get sorted out, I’m sure. It’s just hard to cope with. When he sent an email back (and he sent it to the whole house, not just me) I just started crying and got the closest I’ve been I’m a long time to harming myself. Thankfully, one of them was straight onto calling me as he knows I struggle, and knew what effect it could have. I really do love my friends.

Essays are due back soon. I don’t even want to contemplate the outcome of it. I can’t, I daren’t. If I’ve done badly, I do not feel like I am in a safe enough place to deal with it, and that scares me. I can only hope that what I’ve done is enough, although I highly doubt it.

Yeah, life is pretty dull, and a slightly not nice mix of ups and downs, but it’s manageable, and that’s the best I can ever want.


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