I hate myself for writing this post, I really do. But the purpose of this blog is to talk when I feel I can’t, and I need to get this off my chest.

I’ve mentioned the brass player in first year who keeps fainting. Well, I get on with her really well, she’s lovely, but some things just don’t add up. To start with she refuses to keep in contact with the doctor and refuses to get an SSP (student support plan) from the doctors. I don’t understand this. It would make her life so much easier here. A plan would enable societies to call security without them calling an ambulance but she refuses to get one. We don’t mind getting her home, we don’t have a problem with it, but when it’s cold and wet and she’s falling every few meters it’s not very good for anyone. The boys have been great about helping and I just feel sorry for them on evenings like that.

There’s also the actual fainting, and this is where I’m really hating myself. But I can’t get rid of this doubt so I’ve resorted to writing it down. When someone loses conciousness (without having some sort of seizure (which has been ruled out)) they go limp and their body is subjected to gravity. So why, when she faints, particularly when she’s lying down, does her head fall up. It will twist upwards, and times when it does go down we’ll prop it back up and it’ll stay there, which it shouldn’t do because it fell in the first place and she’s still out. It shouldn’t work. Other things don’t add up either: eyelids flicker and her eyes move, which again I would expect in a seizure but have never seen in a faint because it shouldn’t happen. All of these physical things I’m willing to accredit to a missed form of epilepsy, but I can’t when I consider the last thing. She only ever goes when she’s around certain people. I’ve actually tested this, much to my self loathing. She went out of band on Saturday and a couple of us followed her out but I held us back for a couple of minutes because usually were right there and she goes straight away. I would just like to point out, I would not do this unless I was certain she would not hurt herself (and I’ll get on to that), but we stayed there for a few minutes watching and she was absolutely fine. The minute we get either side of her she flops. I did this a few times that night, make sure she was on her own for a few minutes, and a couple of times I was able to watch her without her realising and nothing happened. As soon as someone came back, she flopped again. I don’t understand. I said I’d get on to causing harm, and there is a really really big point here: she never falls. It will only ever be when she is already on the ground. This isn’t really possible, especially as she says she doesn’t always get warning. But she’s never fallen off a chair, fallen from standing, or fallen on to any hard surface (for which I’m very grateful, it hurts) but I cannot understand it. I’m a lifeguard, it’s my job to help people and also my job to somewhat diagnose people, and this is far too confusing.

You can probably understand why I’m hating myself for this. I, more than anyone, understands what it’s like having no control like that. But all if these things have just been sowing doubts. I don’t want to believe them, and I hope to God they’re medically explainable, but at this moment in time they’re not, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Like I said, this is a horrible, horrible post. Please don’t judge me too harshly on it.

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