I’ve been thinking again. I know, dangerous.
First of all, good news! The extremely long depressive episode is over. Done. Gone. I’m functioning again. The relief I’m feeling is immense. No, not happiness, relief. Relief because I survived it. I’ve had a few very very close calls in this one, and I am proud I’ve survived it. Back to the slog of everyday life now.
Like I said, I’ve been thinking. Emotions are complex things: how did we learn to feel excited and yet terrified? Desperate to live yet desperate to die? Nervous yet confident? We are amazing creatures, but we can never decide how we want to feel. We haven’t quite evolved the ability to separate them; and even if we did, would it necessarily be a good thing? If we developed the ability to only feel one emotion we would be very linear: a doctor could cast aside practicality and keep performing CPR on a child who is far gone. Two people who are desperately in love, yet nervous of the future, could just stay as they are and never reach their true potential together. Someone who is depressed would never pull out of it because they would never be able to feel anything else: just emptiness.
I don’t know what got me thinking this. I’ve been thinking a lot lately: nothing in particular, just a collection of scrambled thoughts. I quite like it, it keeps me occupied. But just think about it: if we developed purely linear emotions, what would we become? If the prevalent emotion was the practical one in that scenario we would be miserable and uncaring to one degree, and completely obsessive to the other. There wouldn’t be a middle.
Thinking about this further, it’s the middle that’s saved us as a species. It’s where empathy is born, where care and love are created. The middle ground of emotions is what helps to define us as the humans we’ve become. If it wasn’t there… well, just think about it. I’m sure you’ll want to stop soon.
So yes, random things. You may be able to tell, this was written out over a few hours… it’s a bit disjointed. Sorry about that.
But yes, I’m out of the hole and back into life. My lectures are on track, I’ve a meeting that will hopefully enable me to go to unibrass tomorrow (I can’t actually believe this could happen), I’ve got rehearsals galore and cake to make, friends to see, people to love, and, what all this essentially creates, a life to live. I am proud of myself for getting out, and now I’m going to throw myself into a very different, and happy, hole.