I’m drained. Empty.

I’ve just gotten back home after being out first aiding since just before seven this evening. I’m shattered. I didn’t sleep very well last night, for reasons which I’m going to go into.

I did not have a good night. I was out on a social with band, not drinking as my medication still has me feeling pretty bad anyway. But just after midnight I got completely stressed out and just went off without anyone noticing. I found myself by the river again, in a move so very like nine months ago, but was stopped; this time by a volunteer life boat that patrols the river, not by being rugby tackled to the ground. I texted someone and they came to help me so I was safe. One of them came and kept me company today as well. I don’t deserve them.

As I said, something very similar happened nine months ago, but on a  far worse scale: I noticeably ran away from the group and had to be tackled to the ground metres from the waters edge. I am not proud of it, not at all. I’m ashamed whenever I think of it. But I learnt something that has really shaken me: this incident last year lead to the bans of living on campus, the suspension, and the barring from activities. For a long time I thought this had come from the police contacting the university about what happened, but I learnt that it was actually the people who were there who went to them.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why they did, and I do not hate them for it at all. I was nearly doing the same thing for someone else last year. But there were three of my ‘safe’ people in that group that night, two of which held me and took me home. But their response led to so much going wrong last year and to my current state. Like I said I do not blame them, and I don’t want to: I love them like they are my brothers. But I no longer feel like I can turn to them, it’s like a wall has been built to block them out of my safe zone, and that’s heart breaking.

I’ve had a fun week: opened myself up to a stranger and lost three of my most trusted people. I don’t know where I stand.

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