So the four planned days are done. They did not help.

Kyaking, going to the gym, music, seeing people, nothing has helped.

I’ve been down for too long now. I’m really losing face. My lectures start tomorrow and I’m nowhere near the right mindset. I don’t trust myself.

For a start, the student union is messing me about again. I definitely can’t go with the brass band to unibrass this year. A decision they have made without talking to anyone. Now to find out if they’ll let me stay as education coordinator for the 2017 contest. I’m not hopeful.

Kyaking, I was nervous, really nervous. It was in a pool, I had no reason to be. The session went without a hitch, but I felt like an outsider for some reason. I don’t know why.

I feel unwanted at the minute. There’s no reason for it, and if there is then I’m causing it. I just don’t feel welcome anywhere. I’m really scared about the place I’m in, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can turn to anyone, not this time. This is literally my last resort. I’m not tagging this post, I just need to write. I can’t keep going on like this. I feel myself slipping further and further away from life and what I want to be like. How is this normal? I don’t know what to do. Everyday, smiling, laughing, functioning, it’s taking it out of me in every sense.

I feel like I have nothing left to live for. There’s nothing left for me to go in for.

Ok, just started crying. I can only promise here, in writing, that if I start to hurt myself then I’ll get immediate help. That feels more binding than promising to myself. Promising to anyone who ends up reading this is a stronger incentive. I’m that scared right now.

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