Mental health is something that can’t be healed.

Sure, you can have medication, see counsellors, doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. The mental illness can ease, and if you’re lucky go completely.

But it can never heal.

If you’re like me, you have scars outside on your skin. People can see them, they ask questions, they are never allowed to heal. Not really. Everytime someone asks, you are taken back to that moment whrn the blood started running. To when you felt it. To when your body just broke down and cry. You remember wherr you were, what you were doing it with, and why. It never truly heals.

You have health problems inside from overdosing. You feel sick when you even see a pill. It becomes impossible to take the pills you’ve overdosed on. When you do, you’re physically sick. It doesn’t go away. It’s all in your head, you remember the taste and the feel when they kick in, and it makes you sick. It’s a sign of getting better, but it doesn’t really go away. People notice it when I take my pills, I have to have almost half a pint of something strongly flavoured so I can swallow the pill down, and even then it’s hard. It’s any pill, and it hurts. It reminds me of how I failed to want to live.

But these are superficial things. They hurt, deeply. But they are small compared to the people you lose and hurt. Many people will know what I’m on about. Friends, family, people you love, all can be turned away because of mental health. It just becomes too much for them. Arguments happen, the finger of blame is pointed, and things can’t go back to before. I can’t think of the number of people I’ve lost in my life because of my anxiety and depression. I tried making a list, but there’s too many. This is what hurts more. It hurts emotionally and physically, because you can’t get them back. You can never get them back. No matter how much you want to, they don’t forget. It just can’t go back to before, and you can’t ever forget how that feels.

It’s makes you upset and ashamed. Their good opinion of you is lost, and it’s not your fault. It’s why I can’t talk to anyone about my problems anymore. I remember this and I don’t want them to go, I don’t want them to leave: I selfishly need them to understand without me saying anything but for some that’s too much.

I guess what I’m saying tonight, on Christmas, is that if you’re lucky enough to have your family and friends around you, value them: love them. Make sure they know it, because then you’ll know it back. We need everyone we can to support us, whether they know about us or not.

Love powers the earth. Love is what will keep us alive.

Merry Christmas ❤

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