Ok, I can’t keep this going. I don’t believe they’ve stopped reading this, I can’t believe it. They wouldn’t just stop. I don’t know whether to stop writing or create a new blog, but either way I don’t feel able to write properly, it’s not right. There’s also everything on here that they have already seen, and they’ve got that in their arsenal now. I feel stretched, unhinged, it’s driving me mad. I don’t know what to do, and it’s really undoing everything I’ve managed to somewhat achieve. It’s not a lot, but I can’t go backwards, not now. I don’t know what to do.
My essay isn’t going well. I can’t cut it down. I try and then it doesn’t make sense and I’ve ended up with something that I’m not happy with and is garbage. I need to fix it, but I can’t because my head’s not in the right place because of this blog and my essay, and it’s all spiralling out of control. I need to contact people, quickly, but I don’t know who to turn to first. I need help with my essay. I need to see someone from open door as soon as. I need to sort things, but I don’t know where to start and I can’t and I’m panicking and I’m depressed and I just feel wrong. I have ceased to be a functioning human.
I’m in a danger zone for a repeat of last year. January 5th I had a mental breakdown. We’re getting there again, I need to hold it together. If I get past this submission, if I’m happy with it, then that’s an achievement, that’s a big stepping stone crossed. But at the moment I’m not even getting to the river. I’m not leaving the house. Because I have nothing to put in. I have nothing. I don’t know what to do.
I have one message though: if you’re reading this, and you know who you are, then stop, just stop. You say you want to help, but this is making it all worse.
I’m lost and I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.