I’m feeling mixed. I’ve let someone back in to my life, and I wasn’t sure if I should or would but I have. It’s actually the person who went out to Munich, the one who (as it turns out) was reading this blog and keeping quiet about it. They said that they’d already stopped when I put the plea out, and I hope that’s true.

So feeling mixed, feeling tired. I had a very stressful evening getting completely lost in an unknown city and depending on local friends to navigate me out. Not a good end to an evening. It’s not good for me to get stressed out, for my head or heart. Big thank you to the people who helped.

I don’t really know what to write about. I don’t really know how I’m feeling at the minute.

… and time has passed and I feel a bit betrayed. Why didn’t they tell me it was them? Why did they let me wonder? There is still someone from Germany reading this – is it them? I don’t know if I should believe them or not. One time it would have been easy to believe it, I wouldn’t have given a second thought. But I’m broken now, I’m not the same person, and neither are they. We’ve both changed, and not necessarily for the better. I’ve got so much doubt running around my head, and I’m confused. Why do I no longer trust anyone? Why can’t I trust the people I’m closest to, why do I push them away?

I feel guilty for being distrustful as well. I should believe them. I shouldn’t listen to my head. I should never listen to my head. It’s a diseased head. It’s a poorly head, a poorly mind. I can admit that freely now, to myself and to others. That must be a good thing, mustn’t it? I don’t know anymore


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