It’s strange how something can improve, and you don’t even notice until it’s either back or something similar happens. I realised the other day that I am no longer feeling physically sick when I go to check my university email. The realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. All of the bad emails I got last year has made me very nervous about checking them because I’m convinced there’s going to be a bad one that will derail me. But I can now check freely. I didn’t even realise. I’m almost proud of this achievement. I’ve gotten over something.

But otherwise, things are still rock bottom. I have no energy. I don’t want to do anything. I tell myself each evening, ‘I’ll do this tomorrow, and then this’ but it never happens. I don’t know what I need to do. I don’t know what I can do. I feel dead, like I’m existing as a ghost (yes the title is related to what I’m writing).

I had a really bad evening a few days ago, on Friday. I was with friends, but it was basically a small breakdown. I don’t know why, I was terrified of something but I don’t know what. Thankfully the two people I was with know I have problems, and they were fantastic. They didn’t leave me alone that night though. I’m selfishly glad they didn’t, I felt safer with someone else there. I’m fortunate to have had an episode like that with such supportive people there, it could have been very different.

Christmas concerts are very much a go. I’ve been playing and busking and depping and earning. That’s when I actually manage to get up. It’s a bad circle, I stay in bed because I feel horrible and then feel worse for staying in bed… I can’t really win.

So yes, nothing important has really happened recently. I’m just feeling down and down and down. I’ll hopefully be able to write about something cheerful soon, or this will just get tedious and repetitive. But hey, it’s and outlet and it works, so I’m sorry but I’m not.

Have a hug if you need one.

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