It’s the end of week 10, meaning the end of this term. I don’t really know what to write about, so I’m just going to go babble about it, apologies beforehand.
I was so anxious about starting this year. I was terrified. Last year was such a bad experience health and help wise, I didn’t see it getting better. New medication sent me on a roller coaster ride, it’s only just settling down really. The meeting with the head of student support wasn’t arranged for a number of weeks, stressing me out further. I was nervous about playing, about lectures, about societies, and about friends.
To be honest, it hasn’t been a fantastic term. I’ve had big downs, I’ve had two instruments in need of repair when they’re rather important, and I’ve had a lot of pressure to be well and do well. But I’m at the end and in one piece.
I’ve learnt so much this term, and not in an educational way. I’ve learnt a lot about people, how the ones who care will rally at a seconds notice, the ones who will help when they know they can’t make a difference. Those people are my friends, and I feel safe with them. I love them, and know I can rely on them if need be. I’ve also learnt that the people who haven’t accepted me are not worth my time. I have better things to do, and don’t have the time to hold grudges against them. I am a difficult person to put up with after all.
Lectures have been great, and fun. I didn’t need to worry about them at all. Societies, they were the surprise. After last year I thought the student’s union would have a lot of say in what I could and couldn’t do, but for a start they haven’t, and the societies I care about have welcomed me back with open arms. The one I didn’t feel welcome back at, I don’t miss. But the support I’ve had, and the friends I’ve realised I’ve got in them has been wonderful. Kayaking also welcomed me with open arms, I’ve made fantastic friends there and they are also very accommodating. I don’t know what’s changed since last year, but I like it.
I’ve had big downs, I can’t deny that. I’m sure I’ve written about most of them. Times when I’ve just fallen apart and landed in a deep dark pit. Times when I’ve panicked for no reason. Times when I’ve been stressed out of my mind. But as I reflect on this term, they are minimal times. They’re big when they happen, but most of the time I’ve been a functioning human, which is all I can ask. My medication and treatment for my head and heart is working. I am being repaired.
I’m proud of myself for this term. It would have been so easy to quit, or change university. But I stayed, and I’m proud of that, and will continue to be. I can be strong, and I can do things. I’m writing this last bit to remind myself of that. I can come back, read this, and remember that I can be strong and survive.
So it’s on to caroling and Christmas now. Time to improve even more for next term so I can continue to show people that I am not a waste of time and effort.
I am a person, and no person is a waste.