A weekend of playing. Over. Done.

Sunday afternoon was fantastic. Violin in concert orchestra. A great concert with a great response from the audience. Sunday evening, I was more in edge. I’d already used a lot of my courage in the afternoon. I hadn’t slept Saturday night, I just couldn’t. I was tired, struggling to focus, and nervous. It was never going to end well. I couldn’t do the second half, it was too much. I just started crying as we were walking back in.

I love my friends, they’re so good to me. They didn’t mind, and just carried on without fuss which is the best way to do it. I don’t deserve such kind people, I really don’t.

I keep trying to tell myself that two out of three isn’t bad, but I can’t believe it. I feel like a complete failure. I’m a musician who can’t perform. My feelings came across, someone stayed over last night, they were so concerned. That’ll look good to the university. I’m really down. Really down. I’m still in bed, I just don’t want to do anything. I’m going to make myself go to the gym though. Make myself do something. If I’m honest though, I only want to do one thing, but I can’t. I just can’t do it. If I failed everything would just be a thousand times worse. I just want to die but I can’t attempt it myself. I can’t do anything myself.

I’ve failed.

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