Well, the doctor’s was fine. I was honest and straight with her, and my medication has been upped and a blood test ordered to find out about the bruising. It’s simple.

I went on a social with the kayakers last night. It was a film night, with a few smashing up of old helmets. We have to smash them so nobody picks them up and uses them as they are no longer safe. But it was fun, I ended up playing bouncy ball with someone else to try and break the helmet up, they’re nearly indestructible which is good when they’re on your head!

After the smashing we went and watched films of kayaking going wrong… bad idea. There was one video of a kayaker passing out on a waterfall and capsizing. Not good. Very not good. I started hyperventilating and panicking and crying quite badly. It just resonated with me, because it’s in the back of my head all the time I’m out: what if I pass out? You don’t control your breathing, if you’re underwater unconscious then you’re drowning. They were so comforting. I really do love the kayak club, I say it a lot. They were so reassuring and kind about it, and really understanding! I’ve got some very good friends there.

Anyway, after that it was fine. But I came home, and my house mate’s room door was locked, she wasn’t in, she didn’t answer my texts/calls and when I rang one of our friends who studies computer science with her it would seem she didn’t want to speak to me. I’m really confused. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s really upsetting. It must be pretty bad because she’s never just blanked me before. Put a bit of a downer on my day really. A pretty big one. I just don’t know what I’ve done. I wish she’d answer or just say something.

So yeah, it started pretty well, better than expected, but I’ve now gone down again. Again. Again. Again.

Why can’t I think of what I’ve done wrong? Am I just looking too much into it?

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