I can’t smile, laugh, cry, despair, hate, love… anything. Emotionally I’m just black. I can’t make myself feel anything.

I don’t understand, things were going well. Why now? Why ever? I don’t really know what to put down so this could get rambling/repetitive. I just need an outlet, which is the purpose of this: what I don’t feel able to tell anyone I put in here.

Not much has happened. Rehearsals, lectures, work, went to Whitby, concert, gym, more swimming, more kayak, more no drowning. All went pretty well. Yesterdays kayak session was especially good. But afterwards I just felt flat. I thought I was tired, my housemate and I went to Whitby yesterday for the last of the Goth weekend. But I’m still in bed. Still feeling nothing. I don’t even know if it’s nothing or if I’ve just given up caring. I’m just really down. I’d feel better if I could cry, but I can’t (I’ve tried). I just feel useless, a useless life shell. Why do we live like this? Why is this in our genetic make up? We have an animal instinct to survive, so why can’t we? This isn’t surviving, this is just existence. Like an inanimate object. Surviving is feeling like you’re alive. I don’t feel that.

I’ve been having very strange dreams. They’re very vivid. I’m having to question what has happened and what hasn’t. I’m confusing people by talking about something that didn’t happen. For the past two nights it’s like I’ve been awake and living a day that no-one else is, but they’re still there. Pretty certain I’m not lucid dreaming, it doesn’t quite feel like that. It’s just weird.

I’m afraid everything’s going to go down hill again. When I tell people this, they say ‘It’ll be fine’, just like last year. When I got suspended and was banned from living on campus because of my health. Yeah. That was fine.

I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why I feel like this. Furthermore I’m covered in bruises and I don’t know why. I haven’t done them deliberately, they just appear. But can I tell my doctor that I’m suddenly bruising very very easily? Probably not, it’ll be put down to self-harm. Many unexplained things are.

Doctors see that you’re on antidepressants and their manner changes. I noticed that last week, after the kayak incident. As soon as I mentioned Sertraline his face changed. He didn’t say anything explicit, but suddenly he was asking about my mood and it took myself and the safety who accompanied me to seem to persuade him that the whole thing had been an accident and that I had not capsized and stayed under deliberately. Thankfully safety didn’t notice anything remiss. But I’m not self-harming, I’m not trying to kill myself. I’ve got too much to do, too much that I want to do. I’m not going back there, I am NEVER going back there.

Sorry for the confusing, nonsensical down post. I don’t have the mental energy to turn it into something that could make sense, I’m just putting it down as it comes to mind. I really want a hug.


2 thoughts on “Why do we live?

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