I need to write. I don’t know if this is still anonymous, but I need to write. I’m hoping that if there is someone I know, they will have the decency to stop reading.
So, things have happened. Some good, some bad, some I haven’t a clue about. The good I suppose starts with meeting my new, well, counsellor at the university support services. She’s very nice, very understanding, and talking to her wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. She also said that she was on my side, which makes everything seem more manageable. It was a good meeting.
This house malarkey is also going rather well. I have a good friend who makes a good housemate and that will make all the difference.
I am also slipping back into university and – shock horror – I’m being welcomed back by societies. I have to be honest, with everything that has gone on in the last year, I thought people would hate to see me again, but I’ve had nothing but smiles and genuine friendship shown. It’s made me think of things in a slightly different way. Maybe I’m not the weird sick thing I thought everyone saw me as.
An old friend has returned in my life… doing a masters in music production. It’ll be nice to see them on a regular basis, they went away and when they finished I went away… we managed to miss each other!
That’s the good, pretty much. I’ve been back on antidepressants for the last week and a half, which is good amd bad. The side effects are diminishing, so hopefully they will kick in and help prevent any undesirable swings this term. We’re really trying to combat everything before it starts, which seems like a good plan. I feel… flat, at the moment. I don’t want to do anything. It’s better than feeling how I was, but I would like to feel something soon. My housemate is keeping me going most days, but it’s draining.
As often, the bad seems to weigh far more heavily. I tried to go to a rehearsal last Friday and completely freaked. I didn’t even manage to go into the room. My friends mum, who is a hospital chaplain, was there as I was walking out, so I had two hours with her instead, just talking. I managed to calm down enough towards the end, but then everyone came down and saw me and it all went pear shaped again. That night didn’t end well (I’d rather not go into detail at the minute). It was a couple of days after the sertraline, so I was all over the place anyway, and my natural anxieties about that band didn’t help.
I had an audition yesterday, symphony orchestra. I could have laughed myself out of there. It was a complete shambles. Enough said.
Finally, the uncertainty about my anonymity on here. I’ve put writing off, it’s a real strain on my mind, I just don’t feel like I can be as open as I need to be. Just please let me know, either way: you know me or you don’t, but please let me know. It could just be a coincidence, I know someone who moved to Germany, and somebody in Germany starts seeing this. But I can’t get rid of that nagging feeling, and I wouldn’t put it past them. Please just let me know.
I don’t think there’s much more to say. Fresher’s fair happened today, I signed up for some sporty stuff, which should be fun. I didn’t do any last year, but I think it would be good for me. ‘I need something other than music in my life’, she says whilst surrounded by instruments.