Life is… interesting?
In the past 9 days, I have moved house, sorted said house, depped for two high standard bands, been asked for by another one, sorted my audition material, and lost the ability to sleep.
This can only mean one thing.
Freshers week is on Monday.

I am terrified.

I am going back to university without a diagnosis, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Ever. I am getting really worked up and panicking about it because I am very vulnerable until I get one, my disability officer made that clear. I’ve got emergency doctors appointments being made, the mental health team are involved, and all I want to do is curl up and cry because they can suspend me if they so feel like it and there is no way I can stop that from happening.

I went to the doctors this morning to ask for some medication to help my anxiety about this and they can’t even prescribe me any at the moment because they have to consult my cardiologist on what it is safe for me to have. I am so messed up right now. I’m back later today and I just feel like my doctor is going to say I’m not well enough to go back.

I am, I’m just scared.

Scared that if I’m forced to take a year out, I will lose it completely. Scared that my mind will completely detach itself from sanity and leave me for good. Scared that they can’t help me at all. Scared that one day my attempts to hurt myself will become successful attempts to kill myself.

All over a degree.

God help me.


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