My determination is paying off. I think. Within the past week I’ve been called in to two champion bands, which is pretty good going. One I had no connection with whatsoever, so a lot is riding on that.

I don’t feel… safe, though. My mind feels like a  rubber band, I’ve stretched and stretched it. Trying to get over my physical illness, trying to succeed, trying to just… be. I’m working harder than before, practising harder, pushing myself and I can feel it biting. I don’t want to stop because I want to do well. I’ve had emails from the university’s mental health team, it’s like they know. But they can’t, this is the only place I can be open and it’s anonymous.

Failure is not an option. I need to succeed. If I fail then there is no purpose left in me. I’m just an ill mass.


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