Well, it’s been a while… and, as what usually happens when time passes, many things have happened! Some good, some bad, some I’ve just done my best to ignore.
I’ll start with the bad. The good is a better place to finish.
So I have a few health problems, the dominant one of which is cardiac. Now I had my last test eight days ago now, an we were so certain of what it would show, so certain of a diagnosis that I was seeing my consultant/surgeon right after it. However luck was not mine that day, and whatever my heart was supposed to do, it didn’t. It went haywire, my pulse was everywhere, my blood pressure was everywhere, and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences. I felt so ill. The test itself lasted for about an hour and a half, and I think the only thing that stopped me from deciding to just collapse in the middle was that surely this must be showing them what they want… surely… but no. It was over, they were looking at whatever it was and it wasn’t what they wanted. I am now faced with the prospect of returning to university without a diagnosis, without the backing of a medical professional, and that leaves me extremely vulnerable. Unless I have a diagnosis, the university can suspend me as a student until it is sorted, and that happened over the Easter holiday this year because they didn’t want me on campus. Simply because I don’t have a diagnosis, and therefore cannot provide a letter saying that I am able to study. It also means that we can’t start to cure it, which leaves me vulnerable generally as I could collapse at any time, any place, and if it’s one of the really bad times and I am alone then it’s very dangerous.
So yeah, no diagnosis. But a lot of good came out of this… the support I got from people who rallied around me was incredible. People I don’t often speak to have sent me messages of support, prayers, wishes, and the people I know and talk to often and regard as friends, well… they have been magnificent. Conductors, my supervisor, my friends, everybody has been so incredible and so supportive and so loving. It’s almost like they couldn’t do enough. They really lifted me out of the hole I started to fall in in the aftermath of such a disappointment, and I don’t know what I would have done without them. Probably curled up in my bed and refused to leave.
Now to completely backtrack, the roller coaster continued with a phone call asking me to go and see my cardiologist tomorrow. It’s sudden, it’s at a different hospital, and it’s a consultation… I couldn’t help but get my hopes up! Of course, the chances are small but you never know. You just never know, something different may have leaped out of the machines and shouted ‘Look! I’m here! This is the problem you’re looking for!’. I’m going to hold on to that thought until I see him. I just can’t stop thinking that if it was merely another test, they would have told me on the phone, not called me out to Leeds to see him specifically, at a different hospital, on a weekend. I’m allowed to hope.
So I’m sorry for the first bit, but I needed to get it out of me, that is why I started this blog after all! Hopefully it is merely that – writing, and not something that’s going to persist to be an issue.
Other good things have happened as well! Last Saturday, I became a second-cousin for the 17th (yes, 17th) time! A beautiful little boy who has had us all in a bit of a flap. Ironically, his early scans picked up on a problem with his heart, and it hit us fairly hard knowing the family history. They were very uncertain as to whether baby could be safely and ethically born, and a termination was constantly looming for weeks. However, about a month ago, my cousin went for her scan (she was having weekly ones) and it was gone. Poof. Vanished. No sign of any trauma or problem. It was incredible, and they still don’t know what happened to it. But baby was delivered safely, and is thriving. Miracles do happen, even when the worst outcome seems to be a certainty. It’s proof that although we seem to be a rather unfortunate family on the cardiac front, we are actually incredibly fortunate that someone always seems to be watching over us.
Another good thing that has happened is rather an oxymoron… my uncle was recently diagnosed with the early stages of bowel cancer, and he had his operation and it went very well. He’s at home, moving about, showing his staples off. We were lucky it was detected in a routine examination as he was having no symptoms whatsoever, and being rather fit and healthy for a 72 year old it could have progressed quite a way before he noticed! But he’s home and recovering, which is all we can ask for.
This is rather long. Oh well.
There is one last thing that has made me smile recently… I acquired an addition to my collection of trombones. I am a music student, trombone being my principal study, and somebody was selling his alto trombone, near new condition and rather cheaply. I couldn’t refuse. So I have a small trombone alongside my three tenors who I think I may have to rename to pay homage to some rather magnificent singers… I’m not sure why I added this paragraph, as it’s probably unimportant to many people. I guess it’s just something that’s made me smile.
I think that’s all I can write for now. Surely these posts must have a word limit at some point? I hope not, as writing these long (and short) posts is helpful and positive and it just lets me be me. I’ll have to keep it up, it really does help. I imagine I may be writing tomorrow, good or bad remains to be seen.
Don’t give up. People love you, and there is always someone you can turn to. Family, friends, complete strangers. There is love in this world.