So, yesterday was our performance at the international festival, and I wasn’t in it. I still went as a techie though, which is experience I suppose.

What was supposed to be a really good enjoyable day turned into a nightmare of STRESS. I may as well just give you a little list…
I picked fellow cast members up in York and headed off to Harrogate for us to remember that we didn’t have gifts for the Directors or MD (cue a rather rapid stop shopping trip for wine!).
We then realised we didn’t have money on us. This is before 0830 in the morning, we are already running late and my stress is climbing slowly but surely.
Moving onwards, we got lost in Harrogate as we thought we were at the Royal Hall. We weren’t. Cue lots of running around in Harrogate as we get confused by one way systems and various lanes. We are now 15 minutes after the time we were supposed to be starting our tech run and I had half of the props and a principal performer in my car. HELP!
When we finally found the right place, there was no car park within a ten minute walking distance, which meant a lot of walking through Harrogate carrying various shenanigans which included a white board, a set of armour, and a bag of boaters.
During the tech run I was sat out in the stalls, endeavouring to perfect the performance for an unfamiliar hall. It was a lovely building, but the set up of the stage meant that the principals really had to belt to be heard, otherwise their beautiful voices just got lost in the wings and the flys above the stage.
Our leading lady nearly fell off a balcony. I am being completely serious. Our hearts stopped and one of our directors started crying from the stress of it.
Before the performance started, I had 15 minutes to plaster make up onto 13 male cast members, which is fun when you have the time to enjoy it, but 15 minutes?! No! I started getting rather panicky….
A brief respite when the show started… my job was operating doors so they’d be quieter and the cast wouldn’t panic thinking they had to open doors as well as run around the place to get to their cues in time.
Major bout of tachycardia towards the end of the show. I went to lie down in our dressing room which was a gazillion degrees above a safe temperature level and consequently felt much worse.
The car park my car was in shut at 1930. At 1931 I looked at my watch and went into a full panic attack as I ran around trying to find my car keys so I could sprint 2 miles to try and get the car out, or else we would have been stuck in Harrogate for the night. Thankfully, there was a really lovely security guard there just shutting it up who let me in to get it out… you don’t often get good people like that!! However, the though of being stuck and being landed with a large fine in the morning tipped me over the edge
We got lost, again.

It was not one of the most enjoyable days I’ve had, and it did not do me any good. Reading back, I’m amused by how much of a headless chicken I was that day. At the crash (after show booze up), needless to say I got rather drunk to try and forget it, and consequently started crying on a visiting member from Cambridge… not cool girl, not cool. He was lovely about it though. But even in the state I was, it didn’t change anything. A little while after that, I went into a room and just cried. Some people were outside trying to calm me down (they were concerned about what I’d been saying), but their efforts were in vain when I heard someone explaining what was up to a newcomer and the response was ‘What a bitch!’. Really doesn’t help anything.

So today, I am feeling rather vulnerable. My confidence took a huge knock from that one comment, and I don’t want to go back. I’ve had enough of life at the minute and would happily crawl into a hole and become a hermit. I am not in a safe place, either in my surroundings or my head. I’ve just had enough.


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