I’ve never written anything publicly before, so this may be a bit jumpy…

I suppose I should start by saying my name and what I do. I’m not going to do the former as I want this to be an anonymous blog, just somewhere I can write and not have anyone know me. I’m not sharing it anywhere, it’s just something to help. I will say what I do: I am a music student, first study Trombone. I also volunteer in a charity shop, the British Heart Foundation, in my home town. In previous years I have trained and worked as an RNLI Lifeguard down in Cornwall. I spend my time playing music, composing, running, swimming, surfing, drawing, and generally trying to live my life as fully as I can.

I also spend my time trying to stay alive. As the title of this blog may suggest, I’m giving up on my life. I’ve had many health problems from my mid-teens, and they are slowly beating me down. For years I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety (which sucks when you’re a performer!), and earlier this year I had a full mental breakdown in my university (accommodation which wasn’t fun…). I have numerous scars, inside and out, and there are more that have faded.
I also have many physical health problems: I’m a Celiac, which is more of a nuisance than a problem, and I have a rather serious heart problem which is, as of writing, undiagnosed. I have a heart monitor attached 24/7 at the moment to try and catch whatever may be going on. Whatever it is, it makes me collapse quite often, which is incredibly demoralising. This problem has put me in intensive care twice this year: in February I fell down some stairs which resulted in a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage, and then in June I contracted a chest infection which put incredible strain on my heart. These constant collapses are impacting every part of my life quite significantly, making me near suicidal and making my depression worse than it has been in quite a while. Still here though!

Basically I’m messed up, and this isn’t going to be a cheery, happy, sunshine-and-rainbows blog. I’m doing to help me cope with it all, and if anybody’s actually reading this, then wow. I’m shocked. As I said earlier, I’m not sharing this with anybody on any social media, nor am I adding my name to it. I just need to feel like I’m talking to someone, just unloading it, so it doesn’t overwhelm me and hold me under. Whenever I manage to talk to anybody face-to-face, I can see that they don’t believe a word I’m saying. The last time I was in hospital, all my mum could think of was her hair appointment the next morning, she didn’t think I needed to be there. My dad’s more understanding, but although we have our own way of communicating, he knows he can’t help anything so we never talk about it. I have many friends, both in and out of university, but they have their problems and their lives and I don’t want to constantly push any of this in their faces. I always get the feeling that they don’t believe it anyway. So yes, this blog is a vent, and outlook, and if you’re still reading and not thinking ‘What a load of attention seeking garbage’ then you are better than many people.

I’ll be putting the bad up on here, but I’ll also be doing the good, the milestones I manage that take me one step closer to having a long, happy life. I hope this has explained a bit about me and why I’m writing this. Not all of my posts will be as bad as this, I promise…


4 thoughts on “How to get started

  1. It’s ok not to have a cheery blog. No one with anxiety and depression has a cheery blog (unless they have weeks at a time where they stop writing occasionally!) – mine definitely isn’t always cheery. I hope you find what ever you’re looking for here. And if anyone thinks your attention seeking, direct them to the other thousands of bloggers here talking about the same thing! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Try not to worry too much. Don’t get into a habbit of editing your own words so that they sound better for someone else to read. People like real. And anyone that knows what you’re going through knows what you’re saying is just real! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

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